The Christian Three-Spouse-Marriage

This set of posts explores the history, biology, psychology, and theology of human relatedness that identifies male and female differences in search of the scriptural balance that honors the man, the woman, and God.

Human sexuality begins at conception and is present at the very core of what it is to be human; individuals are first human, and second male and female (Gen 1:27; Allender and Temper, 1995). Research has confirmed human perceptions are made through masculine or feminine senses, processed by a masculine or feminine brain, in a masculine or feminine body (Cozolino, 2006, 51-52; Arthur, Johnson, & Young, 2007, 828; Wiwanitkit, 2006, 171; Lopez-Sosa & Tevar, 2005, 147). Theologically, the book of Genesis describes man and woman being created, equally responsible for unique tasks, and equally answerable to God as suggested by the fact that when both were cursed, each was cursed separately and differently as man and woman (Gen 1:27, 3:16-19).

So What

Historically, the topic of sexual diversity between men and women has been difficult to discuss objectively because it has been so highly politicized.  Some believe these views on sexuality are fiercely defended because they maintain “gender-based power structures” (Scott, 2008, 13; Kleinplatz, et al., 2009, 2; Levant, et al., 2007, 84; Mulholland, 2007, 28). From a power-struggle perspective each side would search for evidence supporting claims that one sex is better or worse suited (weaker or stronger) to exert control or dominance over the other (Hopcroft, 2009, 1846; Piper & Grudem, 2006, 33).

As a result of wrestling for power in the relationship confusion, speculation, myth, and ultimately unhealthy-expectations grow between spouses. The outcomes of these struggles can result in more than arguments and misunderstandings, they can also correlate with sexual abuse, assault, and chronic dissatisfaction in male-female relationships (Kleinplatz, 2009, 2; Popovic, 2005, 32). Unhealthy expectations and communication assumptions lie at the foundation of many difficulties that couples struggle to overcome when relating to each other.

Path to Freedom

Christ offers an alternative solution: both spouses in equal yet uniquely complete intimacy with Him; from this perspective the marriage begins to look like a mysterious dance that honors all three (Eph 5:32-33; Yarhouse, 2005, 34). Learning the first step to this dance begins in learning that men and women generally use the same words to communicate very different thoughts; the second step is then to learn how to translate what the word was intended to mean rather than what the word means to the listener. The next few posts will explore more of the differences in the ways men and women think, feel, approach, and respond to situations and each other; how those differences impact our ability to relate and communicate with each other, and what God’s intended “dance” might look like.

If you want more information on this topic, or want help in applying it to your relationship, you can reach us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

References:

Allender, Dan B., and Tremper III Longman. Intimae Allies: Rediscovering God's Design for Marriage and Becoming Soul Mates for Life . Carol Stream, Il: Tyhndale House Publishers, Inc., 1995.

Cozolino, Louis. The Neuroscience of Human Relationships. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 2006.

Heather Arthur, Gail Johnson and Adena Young, "Gender Differences and Color: Content and Emotion of Written Descriptions," Social Behavior and Personality (Society for Personality Research, Inc.) 35, no. 6 (2007).

Hopcroft, Rosemary L. "Gender Inequality in Interaction - An Evolutionary Account." Social Forces (University of North Carolina Press) 87, no. 4 (June 2009): 1845-72.

Kleinplatz, Peggy J., et al. "The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of "great sex"." The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 18, no. (1-2) (2009).

Levant, Ronald F., K. Bryant Smalley, Maryse Aupont, A. Tanner House, Katherine Richmond, and Delilah Noronha. "Initial Validation of the Male Role Norms Inventory-Revised (MRNI-R)." Journal of Men's Studies (Men's Studies Press, LLC) 15, no. 1 (Winter 2007): 83-100.

Lopez-Sosa, Carmen, and Rafael Roldan Tevar. "The Human Sexual System in the Context of the Health Sciences." Sexuality and Disability 23, no. 3 (Fall 2005): 146-149.

Mulholland, Jon. "The Racialisation and Ethnicisation of Sexuality and Sexual Problems in Sex Therapeutic Discourse." Sexual and Relationship Therapy (Routledge: Taylor & Francis Group) 22, no. 1 (February 2007): 27-44.

Piper, John, and Wayne Grudem. "An Overview of Central Concerns." In Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response To Evangelical Feminism, edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem, 60-94. Wheaton, Illinois: Crossway Books, 2006.

Scott, Dan. Naked And Not Ashamed: How God Redeems our Sexualiuty. Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers, 2008

Wiwanitkit, Viroj. "Interaction Between Alpha-Fetoprotein Gene and Gonadotropin-Releasing Hormone and Effects on Brain Sexual Differentiation: Molecular Function and Biological Process." Sex Disaability (Springer Science+Business Media, Inc.) 24 (August 2006): 169-173.

Yarhouse, Mark A. "Constructive Relationships Between Religeon and the Scientific Study of Sexuality." Journal of Psychology and Christianity (Christian Association for Psychological Studies) 24, no. 1 (2005): 29-35.
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Copyright © 2015 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

The Human Machine's "Anger Light" - How Trending Topics become Treatment Topics

The recent Supreme Court decision regarding same-sex marriage has initiated a great deal of talk on the topic, especially in social media. A great deal of anger has been expressed on both sides of the issue. Of course anger expression is a healthy part of the human machine and not by definition a bad thing, unless wielded haphazardly. The purpose of this post is to explore how following Christ might provide a path to authentically express anger (Truth), while remaining respectful of others, self, and God (Love).

Why Anger?

Anger represents the body’s protest against a perceived injustice, so this emotion makes sense given that many of the arguments are infused with beliefs about justice, morality, freedom and liberty. Interestingly, passages from The Bible have been quoted on both sides of the argument, even by those that self-identify as non-believers. One scripture I have not seen quoted yet is Ephesians 4:26, “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your wrath.” The difficult balance for a Christian in this conversation is how to maintain the balance Scripture calls us to follow, the feat that Jesus performed so perfectly –speaking both Truth in Love simultaneously (Eph. 4:15).  Both sides of this controversy perceive injustice. The LGBT community demands to be allowed the same rights as any other group for access to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” with the person they love. The Christian community demands respect for the sanctity of a Faith-Based construct given by God, “Marriage as a union between one man and one wife.”

You might be asking, “What does this controversy have to do with therapeutic treatment?”  Knowing why anger is appropriate for this topic, how to be in the presence of anger without giving up who you are, and how to express anger in such a way that it is a form of worship to God and a blessing to others and yourself, are all important topics in treatment for individuals and for families. Skills for using anger well are especially important considering many people have only seen the power of anger used as rage, or in attempts to control others.

Natural vs. Healing Response

When my car’s Fuel light comes on the healing response (to turn the light off) would be to put gas in the car.  My natural response is often to drive faster and try to get to my destination before running out of gas. Unfortunately the natural response does not resolve the issue, and often makes the situation worse.  In the same way anger is elicited by the presence of perceived injustice. The natural response to injustice/anger is to attempt to control others or events. The healing response is to respect self and others. Value and respect are most easily established via communication, respecting the choices and boundaries for all parties (including self), and a future post topic: forgiveness.

Path to Freedom

Risk of pain escalates when fear added to the anger results in rage. Rage can quickly take both parties beyond reason and respect, and set the stage for more de-valuing words. Scripture suggests that True Love drives out fear (1John 4:16-18). True Christian Love is about owning and respecting freewill choice, not control of another person. The primary choice found throughout Scripture is to follow, or not follow God, to fall in Love with Him if you feel so inclined, and then serve Him out of that love, if you chose to – or not.  Dr. Paul Meier very eloquently suggested that true “Love” is about “choice.” More than anything, God desires to be in a Love relationship with us, and that we are able to freely choose whether we enter that love relationship with Him, or not. Freedom to choose also means freedom to choose, and own, consequences.  God gave man the power to choose life or death for himself: to Love God by not eating from two trees (two trees out of an entire forest) or reject God by not following Him (by eating the fruit of one of the two trees).  God then respected mankind’s choice to reject Him by allowing Adam and Eve to own the consequences they chose in their actions. 

So What - At the Individual Level:

Each of us has been given a choice: “…I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses.” (Deut. 30:19). God makes His hope clear: “Now choose life, so that you and your children may live, and that you may love the Lord your God, Listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him.” (Deut. 30:20), and “The Lord will again delight in you and make you prosperous…,” (Deut. 30:9).

What does this have to do with Treatment – individual choice IS freedom, and choice is a skill that requires practice and exercise. We work on skills to: create choice, make choices in stressful surroundings, and carry out choices to completion, even in the face of opposition or risk of physical harm by those around you.

So What - At the relationship level:

God encourages us to serve each other, not control each other (Lk 22:24). Service does not mean as a slave that must carry out every whim of a human master, but rather in the best interest of the other person, with God as judge as to what “best interest” means.

What does this have to do with Treatment – When God is the arbiter rather than man, Christian Marriage becomes a completely different construct than a Social/State marriage contract. In treatment, part of the focus might include skills for falling in Love with God first, so that in the Christian Marriage there can be literally three spouses – husband, wife, and God (Eph. 5:29-33).

So What - At a Social Level:

Sadly, this topic has been surrounded by confusion and fears expressed as “truth” and has resulted in division and pain within families, churches, and individuals. For others, there is an internal judge that constantly jabs at them with a burning poker. What does this have to do with Therapeutic Treatment?  In therapy, we work to dismantle the internal judges learned from childhood and others that can horribly plague a person.

So What - At a Spirit Level:

In treatment, we explore application of skills each individual can use to have power over their own lives. Choice is power and freedom – but Choice is also a skill that requires practice and exercise. Where do I stand on this topic? If God has given freewill to all, who am I to interfere? When we meet God, I will account for my actions, not yours - just as you will account for your actions, not mine.  Even so, for those that are torn between what they believe and what they feel, and wish to be free from what they perceive as bondage – I have made it my life’s work to help them find the freedom God promised in His word. 

If you have questions about this post, reply here or give me a call, let’s talk.
If the issue has been opening wounds in your family, give me a call – let’s work together toward a goal of removing the confusion and establishing connections and freewill choices based on authentic understanding.

You can reach us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com
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Copyright © 2015 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.