Male and Female Communication Differences - Example 2

Example #2 - How to compliment your mate.

Mother's Day is this month, so I thought I would look at make and female differences with regard to complements and support.  Many have heard about the 12 Love Languages (1995), a book by Gary Chapman. The book can be very helpful, and although the languages have little to do with male and female differences, I mention it to illustrate that while there are gender differences discussed in these posts, there are many language differences beyond gender that make our communications, lives, and relationships "interesting."
So, as in other posts in this series, please keep in mind that these observations and thoughts incorporate HUGE generalizations. My hope in writing these articles is to highlight the male/female differences to make it possible for couples to address them individually; hopefully resolving a few of the obstacles that can play an influential role in the development of communication problems.

The difficulty with these gender language differences is that they are not easy to spot without an example. For this post I will use a statement I have heard many times from both husbands and wives about feeling respected and valued: "I want to be seen as capable."

In the above sentence Men would generally focus on the word "capable." In the Bible (Genesis 3:17), men are cures in their ability to achieve results: work will be done by the sweat of their brow, weeds will come up instead of fruit, men will die, and all they build will turn to dust.  As a result of being cursed in their "ability to achieve" men are generally sensitive to being regarded as "capable."

Women, in general, might focus on the word "seen."  The curse on women (Genesis 3:15) is very different. Women generally experience their pain in relationships (childbirth) and in their position as bridge person between the previous, the present and future generations. Part of the second half of the curse is feeling "ruled over" by men.  Socially, that "feeling" has been a reality throughout history, and in many ways, in many cultures, it still is.

So, the conversation might look like this:
Wife: "This guy at work is a pompous jerk. Anytime I make a contribution at our team meetings he says, 'uh huh' and 'as I was saying...' He totally ignores my contribution and changes the subject before I can say anything.  I go to confront him and he patronizes me saying 'now, now, that's not what I am trying to do. If you're going to be in this business you're gonna have to get a thicker skin."

Husband, wanting to help and defend her, but thinking from a "capability" model, says:  "Here's what you need to do.  Next time he tries to blow you off, just ignore him and what he thinks. Talk over him if you have to. I know you can do that, you do that to me all the time." (Husband smiles, thinking he has solved "the problem")

Wife (now furious) says: "So basically you are saying I need thicker skin?!! Do you have any idea how I feel when I have been fighting this problem for months, and you think you solved it in 30 seconds?! And what do you mean I don't listen to you - you aren't even listening to me!!!

Husband (now confused) says: "I heard everything you said! What do you mean I'm not listening?"

Path to peace:
For most husbands, a complement requires a comment on her confidence in his capability or achievement - 'knowing what to DO, and HOW to do it.'
For many wives, a complement needs to communicate the message "I see you, and understand it must be difficult to be you in that situation."  This can often include the husband speaking his observations out loud, verbally communicating his confidence in her, or to brag about the difference and value his wife brings to his life and the lives around her - letting her know she is "seen" and not invisible.

The husband, in this case, wants to go and defend his wife, possibly talk over the man who would disrespect his wife that way.
Rather than tell her to do what he wants to do, he might translate his desire into empathy - what it must have been like to be her in that moment:
"Wow, you must have been furious. If someone did that to me I would have been really pissed! Especially because I know your ideas are really good! How many times have or clients told you they want you on their projects specifically because of the input you provide!"

Husbands are often confused that this response would help - generally because it does not "address the presenting problem." The response does, however, address her presenting problem - hence the need for translation.

If you are interested in learning how to translate what you want to say to your spouse, in ways he or she can hear the messages, we are here to help.  Contact us here at Spirit Christian Counseling Centers: www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Male / Female Communication Differences - Example 1

I often write about male and female communication differences based on research on physical, educational, and psychological differences (same brain neural areas, different sizes, make for different processing strengths for each). From a theological standpoint I believe God made man and woman differently but loves them equally - at the same immeasurable level.

The conclusion I have come to from reading multiple research outcomes is that men and women communicate differently - NOT that one is better than the other, only that they are different. Attempting to approach intimate conversations without being aware of those differences, or pretending they don’t exist, makes communication harder than it has to be – which exhausts both participants until they have no energy left.

I am often asked for examples. Here is one difference/translation-required example that I have observed in many sessions. The example below is used for illustrative purposes so it has several generalizations – please do not be offended. If this difference does not describe you, then your relationship is probably at a higher level of intimacy than most. If it is not, there may be other translation examples in your relationship that you may want to explore with a therapist:

Example 1: A Husband asks his Wife “I’m thinking of doing X, is it do-able?”

Wife thinks Husband is informing her of a decision he has already made and asking her if she can handle the consequences. (In session, the husband would begin to shake his head here saying “but that’s not what I meant”). Based on the prevailing female narrative that suggests a successful woman needs to be capable of handling everything while not breaking a sweat, the wife will reply: “yep we can handle that.”

She might think (and not say out loud): “by stretching our already frayed resources and time to their absolute limits.”

Husband thinks “Great, she is on board with this decision!”

Wife gets mad because Husband does things without considering her.

Husband is confused and says “I asked, and you said it was ok so I assumed you were in agreement.”

Wife says “that’s not what you asked!”

Both begin to argue about what words were actually used, and their circular arguments begin.

Part of the problem is in the way humans communicate. We regularly give partial messages for expediency and expect that the other person to fill in the gaps in the way we expected them to. The receiving spouse will even say “yes I understand”  (wives often hear this statement from their husbands and reply “no you don’t”) – because they understand what they think the other person is saying – not what the other person is actually saying.

What is unclear is if the message they understand is the same one the sender was intending to communicate.  This is not a problem in male communication or female communication – one is NOT better than the other. It happens when couples have to cross the language border because the way men and women use language is truly different.

A good family therapist can help with translation, usually by encouraging each spouse to fill in the gaps. Many times I will hear spouses argue: “I shouldn’t have to give details, my spouse should know how hard I work to make our home a good place to live.” I believe that when stress levels between loving spouses is low, they will observe and acknowledge each other for all the work they do; but, when stress is high (over 100 heartbeats/min), our brains move into a fight/flight mode that makes normal observations difficult.

What is the Path to Peace? Couples can start by filling in the gaps:

Husband: “I’m thinking about doing X and I want your input 'before' I make a decision. What do you think?”

Wife: Are you asking me if it is possible, or are you asking for my thoughts on whether we should do it?”

If you are interested in learning how to translate what your spouse has been saying we are here to help. Contact us here at Spirit Counseling Centers:

www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Assertiveness, it's all about the "AND"

I read an article recently that defined Aggressiveness and Passivity as two ends of the Assertiveness Spectrum (Ames, Lee,& Wazlawek, 2017).  I wonder, though, if assertiveness could be something altogether different.  I believe something important is lost when the concepts of assertiveness and aggressiveness are confused. 

While discussing the topic with a colleague at a local coffee house, she remarked on a black coffee mug with a big white ampersand (&) on it: “I really don’t get it, what that means.” She was surprised when I had a ready answer: “Its all about the ‘And.’ The symbol/word connects things like peanut butter & jelly; ideas like Liberty & Justice; and people, like you & me.” 

I believe the concept of Assertiveness is like that; it’s not about who wins or loses, it’s not about who gets their way – you or me; rather it is all about how we can connect with others if we are willing to freely share our own thoughts and beliefs; AND if we can be receptive in a way that allows others to feel free to share their selves with us.  In other words, if I am not willing to share what I think and want… I am being selfish (passive) – but if I stop there, only focusing on what I want, then I am not being assertive – I’m being aggressive – which is also selfish.

Let me explain.

When I counsel couples this topic comes up often. Many individuals are taught that to be assertive means they must stand up and fight for what they want, otherwise they will be taken advantage of by others – because they have learned “others” are generally selfish.  The spouse on the receiving end will generally describe this behavior as “aggressive.”  Other individuals have been taught the opposite; that if they ever disclose their desires to another they are being selfish – that making a request somehow represents a selfish act of demanding their own way. The spouse on the receiving end of this behavior generally describes it as “passive.” The theme that both behaviors share is an attempt to protect self.  The aggressive communicator wishes to protect their interests and desired outcomes. Since the aggressive person’s focus is on their own needs and desired outcomes, without consideration of the other spouse, their behavior is focused on you OR me – which would be defined here as “selfish.”  The passive communicator also wishes to protect self – most often from pain of an anticipated conflict or attack. However, because the passive person’s focus is to protect their own needs and desired outcomes (generally “absence of conflict”), and consideration of the other spouse is limited to how the knowledge can be used to keep the other spouse pacified – the behavior can also be categorized as selfish.

The question becomes – what is assertive?

In both aggressive and passive efforts, the focus is on the “OR.” For the aggressive communicator its “My way ‘Or’ they highway.”  For the passive communicator it’s “Whatever you want, as long as we don’t have to fight. If it has to be your idea ‘Or’ mine, I’ll go with yours to keep the peace.”

In a healthy assertive conversation, the focus is on the “&.”  Spouse A might say “I want to see an action movie.” And if the statement ended there it might be considered aggressive; but the spouse adds “what do you want to see?” Spouse B might say “I want to see a Comedy.” 

In these statements both A and B are being assertive – saying what they want AND looking for common ground. They may end up watching an Action Comedy, or watching a Comedy this week with the sincere agreement to watch an Action film next week.  Either way the focus is on the AND rather than the OR. Both learn about each other, respect each other, and then step into the experience of each other.

According to this definition, when spouses don’t share (what they really want or don’t want; their true selves), they would be acting self-ish-ly. What would be even more confusing would be their feelings of being controlled by the other (yes both the passive and aggressive person can feel controlled), when the power to have the life they want is in their own hands.

Please hear me – There ARE times when expressing what you really want is dangerous or even life threatening! Does that mean you are being selfish by keeping yourself safe? Absolutely Not! … as long as you take steps to get yourself into a safe environment.

If you would like more information on how to stop feeling controlled in relationships, and how to employ assertiveness in your life, or if you need information on how to get into a safe environment, contact us here at Spirit Counseling Centers – let us help.

www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

References:

Ames D, Lee A, Wazlawek A. (2017).  Interpersonal assertiveness: Inside the balancing act. Soc Personal Psychol Compass. 2017:11:e12317. https://doi-org.ezproxy.liberty.edu/10.1111/spc3.12317

Copyright © 2018 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Freedom to Flourish - By Design

Am I simply the result of all my experiences? or even worse... Am I powerless to the diagnosis I was given, or all the trauma that has been inflicted on me?

I believe, and research supports, that the answer can be "No."

The Universe has a structure, basic rules by which it operates; so does the human body.  Applying knowledge of the body’s design parameters can lead to physical health or lead to physical sickness, pain, and even death. These design parameters also illustrated when the body is damaged, in that diseases have a progression that is somewhat predictable from one body to the next.  Most will agree that if they eat well and exercise they can expect their bodies to perform in a relatively healthy manner. If they eat poorly and avoid exercise they are not surprised when their doctor recommends lifestyle changes.

Mental health diagnoses are based on the concept that the mind/brain operates in a similar fashion – a specific type of trauma will effect different people in similar ways. Thoughts and emotions operate within a design structure. The field of mental health is based upon this hope; that healing might be possible from application of the knowledge of how thought and emotional health can impact, and/or be impacted by, our experience of the world. 

Of course there are physical health situations that are out of our control, genetics, disease, trauma, etc.  These event also affect the brain, and people’s ability to think about, and respond to, their environment.

However, even in these circumstances, while we may not get to choose what illness we get, or what traumatic events befall us, we do have the choice of how to address, respond, fight, or live-with them.  Limitations influence, but do not make decisions for a person.  Human history is full of examples of people who did not let their limitations make the decisions on what career to have, who to marry, or where to live. To thrive, or flourish, rather than survive, requires that one take ownership and create the life they live in the face of, or even in spite of, these genetic, physical, and/or trauma related limitations. To surrender one’s future to the physical “cards they are dealt” is to merely survive.

Path to freedom

There is an alternative to surviving…  THRIVING!

Even in trauma that has been severe or deeply rooted in childhood, there are paths to healing & freedom; examples include movement from anxious and avoidant attachment to secure attachment (Shura, et al., 2017) and PTSD to Post Traumatic Growth (American Psychological Association, 2004.

Structured paths to freedom exist; many are outlined in Scripture and are finding more and more support in scientific research. Paths to help people free themselves from the ‘things’ that mentally or emotionally hold them back. The challenge is to find the freedom available on these paths without becoming imprisoned by them.  This journey to freedom is to a point beyond just surviving – rather, it involves consideration of what a person’s life contribution might actually be. 

This journey begins when one accepts first, that challenges to mental health are a normal part of life; and second that there are also structures available by which these challenges can be met, and in many cases, overcome!

If you would like help finding your path through the chaos, Call us at 469-660-8620, or find us on line at SpiritCounselingTx.com to make an appointment.

References:

Shura,R.D., Rutherford, B.J., Fugett, A. et al. (2017). An Exploratory Study of Attachments and Posttraumatic Stress in Combat Veterans. Current Psychology, 36(110). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-015-9390-2


 The Effects of Trauma Do Not Have to Last a Lifetime. (2004, January 16). American Psychological Association. retrieved from http://www.apa.org/research/action/ptsd.aspx?lipi=urn%3Ali%3Apage%3Ad_flagship3_profile_view_base_recent_activity_details_shares%3Bdjte7PzLT5CU4eIgodd2hw%3D%3D



Copyright © 2018 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Access to Healing: Why can’t we find the solution ourselves?

For most issues, especially when guided by the Spirit of God, couples can and do find solutions themselves. 

However God expects believers to reach out to each other in the church for help (Gal 6:2).  In 1Cor 14:12 Scripture suggests that the gifts given to members of the church, like counseling, are intended to be used to build up other members of the church. 

However, problems still occur because “Blindspots” exist for couples just as they do for individuals. Blindspots are those places we cannot see without help of people external to our situation.

One of the benefits good counselors provide is that external perspective for couples feeling stuck from looking at a problem so long it has become a blind-spot for the  

The Anonymous programs (e.g. Alcoholics Anonymous) make heavy use of the Serenity Prayer (Shapiro, 2014):

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
 

A good counselor can help couples see if they are trying to change things that can’t be changed, or have fallen into a pattern of accepting things that need changing.

This way couples may not have to live with an issue because they believe it to be a character-flaw, when it is in actuality a learned habit (meaning that the behavior can be un-learned).  Conversely a good counselor can help couples distinguish character traits from “behaviors” so that harmony in the home can happen in learning ways to accept the things that cannot be changed.
 

Pathway to Freedom

It is important to find a counselor who will not only help you name the problem and define it, but also identify alternative approaches and behaviors in resolving it. Sometimes men will not move forward, and their wives will believe “they just don’t care,” or “He just doesn’t want to” do what it takes to make the relationship successful.”  This in-action is NOT always indicative of a character issue. Many times when men do not know how to proceed, they will simply stop and refuse to move forward in order to prevent mistakes from making the situation worse; a behavior Julie and John Gottman call “flooding.” (Gottman, 2013).
 

When this happens it is important to remember that this situation is similar to large home appliances. The fact that an air conditioner cools an entire house, but not a specific room, does not mean the problem is a character (design) flaw of the air conditioner. It means something needs to be done. Couples need to resist the urge to “just live with it” rather than call a specialist who can tell them what is happening and how to move forward.  Just living with the problem does not make it go away. It actually helps the problem get worse and deeper.

If you aren’t sure if the problem you are wrestling with is adjustable or demands acceptance; or if you don’t know how to accept the unchangeable, get help! Or, come in and let us help you figure it out.
You can reach us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com
 
References:
Gottman, J. (2013) Presentation notes from "When Clients Shutdown: Process and Treatment." Gottman Summit. Seattle, Washington. July 12-13, 2013.

Shapiro, F.R., (April 28, 2014) Who Wrote the Serenity Prayer?, The Chronicle Review.




Copyright © 2017 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Husbands - 5 sec texts count!

 Spoiler alert: this post deals in generalities. Every individual is different, and I will be one of the first to say that many men exhibit the qualities identified as "generally" feminine, while many women exhibit the qualities identified here as "generally" masculine. The idea is to know our differences, work with them, and celebrate them in relationship. Celebrating differences is the basis for this post.

 

My wife is a Marketing Executive who is fond of saying "There are so many little things that cost nothing, or next to nothing, that mean so much to people. It is crazy that companies don't take advantage of ‘the little things’ for their clients and their employees..."

The same applies to building an environment at home that can become a place of peace, relaxation, and re-charging.  One example of a low-cost 'little-thing' is touching base during the workday.

Ladies, men generally see this action very differently from women. See my recent post on "Where are you?" and "Why should I tell you?" for some explanation as to why that might be.

Men, women generally tend to be more connection focused than men, while men tend to be more achievement focused. So men will generally tend to focus on what works - what is most effective; whereas women will generally tend to focus on how the task is accomplished (how it is experienced relationally) in terms of it's impact on those involved and those affected.

Men will tend to go to work, put their head down, get the job done, and avoid any distractions to that end (keep in mind this is a generality, my wife is very good at putting her head into the work and coming up for air some hours later).

Women, in general, like to know they are not alone as they face their days (keep in mind that men do too, to a lesser degree: I still like hearing from my wife during the day).

For a man, the task of 'checking-in' with someone can bring up teen-aged images of calling mom to let her know we aren't misbehaving.  This image can do horrible damage to a peer-trust relationship like marriage.

The best picture I have found to describe what quick touch-points are about for most women is illustrated by a group of soldiers or first-responders entering an unknown location, one hand on their equipment and the other hand on the shoulder of the team-mate in front of them. Having that touch lets the person in front focus on their job, knowing someone has their back.  Another example is a military team going into dangerous territory radio in at regular intervals to let base know all is well. These quick connections, or "pings," are not constant phone connection, or every 2 minutes, which could compromise the mission; but they are every few (2-4) hours during the course of a day.

Sending a text, or a call, or even a quick email, can be that "touch on the shoulder" that comforts your partner that someone is there and has their back. A text of 'heart symbol' and capital 'U" takes 5 seconds (if you type very slowly) and can give so much encouragement to a person who is in the midst of calming the tantrums of a 3 year old, 3 clients, or 3 board members.

I know everyone’s situation is different. If you want more information on how you might develop your home into a place of peace and recuperation, contact our clinic at 469-660-8620, or on line at 
SpiritCounselingTx.com.

Copyright © 2017 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Can Mental Health disorders interfere with hearing healing Messages from the Bible? ----- Or: Can a "Real Christian" have a Mental Health Disorder?

An interesting question was asked at a meeting I attended recently: “How can mental health disorders prevent a person from hearing a healing message from Biblical Scripture, and how might a message from Scripture result in healing?”

As a person who exhibits symptoms currently associated with the DSM-5 diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), my first thoughts were:
“If I am a new creation in Christ, why am I still challenged by the physiological and mental (cognitive) symptoms characterized as ADHD?” 

I mean, if being a “new creation” does not include freedom from the old body, especially the old drives & motivations, then how can I believe the next words “the old has gone, the new is here?!”

Right about now, there may be some readers who are thinking “Is this guy challenging the sufficiency of Scripture to heal?” 

The answer is “No, I do not challenge the power of God's Word.”  

 I do believe, however, that to get answers to the hard questions, believers in a living God need to be willing to ask Him honestly (James 1:5) and without fear (Hebrews 4:16). 

As a therapist, I have worked in many clinics with more than a few people who described their lives and faith in ways that could easily be characterized as “devout.” Believing them to be faithful, I still watched them experience bouts with Anxiety, Depression, Manic episodes, and Psychosis.

So my question was “why do these symptoms persist in spite of their faith in a loving and healing God?”

Of course one does not have to read very far in the Bible to see people identified in Hebrews chapter 11 as “living by faith” whose behaviors might have easily been described as symptomatic of DSM-V diagnoses had the diagnoses existed at the time: Sampson (Anti-Social), Gideon (Anxiety), Jeremiah (Depression), Ezekiel (Psychosis).

Path to Freedom

The shift in thinking for me began when I remembered Jesus’ prayer in John 17:15 asking that His believers be sanctified -- yet “not taken out of the world -- but protected from the evil one.” 

Paul’s illustration of resurrection and the “new body” as similar to the difference between a wheat seed (our current physical bodies) and the wheat plant, which looks very different on the outside and yet is essentially the same on the inside seems to speak to what this might look like.

I began to see that the "old me" (B.C. Luigi: Before Christ, and before the Holy Spirit’s revelation of what “Grace” meant), living in the shell of my current physical body, would berate myself with harsh words when I made a mistake in an effort to achieve "improved behavior" and "obedience" by punishing myself for mental errors (in my case forgetfulness, or missing important cues). 

This striving for perfectionism in my own strength obviously did not work, in fact it only served to make future errors more likely given the added stress & fear of failure. It also made it hard for me to listen to God when he told me He Loves me - how could he love this mess?

Instead, the A.D. “new me” now has a different spirit and mind, but I still live in the same shell  (the same body and brain, the same flesh). Rather than berate myself, this new "Grace Focused" mind works to accept the physical limitations of my flesh, similar to accepting that my current body’s eyes will always require adjustment (glasses). So my physical imperfections are not “new” or "changed," but the spirit living inside this imperfect shell, and the life I experience as a result, are both brand new – full of light and freedom, in Christ & His Love.

My work with clients focuses on helping them, and their loved ones, interact in ways that accept, and even work with, the presence of their "old-self imperfections" without excusing or feeling shamed by undesired outcomes - and then take the next step toward their goals.

If you have felt God's "I Love You"  message seem to bounce off of your ears and not get into your spirit because "perfection" thoughts will not be quiet, come visit us. Let us help you find your way to His Freedom!
You can reach us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2017 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.