Monday, April 8, 2024

Importance of Research in Christian Counseling: Man’s Wisdom vs. Thinking God’s thoughts after Him

 Some have suggested that faith makes for lazy science – “if you don’t know something, you just blame God for it – God did it therefore I believe it.” However, any serious Christian who is also a serious scientist or therapist would not follow this simplistic path.  

 

On the other extreme some have suggested that depending on research and science is depending on “Man’s wisdom” rather than God’s, using verses like 1Corinthians 3:19 as support.[1]  Both of these views handicap the therapist, and threaten to limit what is possible in therapy when Jesus Christ is invited in the room.

 

Johannes Kepler, an astronomer once said “I was merely thinking God’s thoughts after him. Since we astronomers are priests of the highest God in regard to the book of nature, it benefits us to be thoughtful, not of the glory of our minds, but rather, above all else. The glory of God.”[2]

In other words exploring how creation was made, how it actually works. 

 

Science can neither prove or disprove the existence of God,[3] and research does not “prove” (or disprove) the validity of God’s Word; but knowledge of Scripture and current research can make the Christian Counselor more skilled at applying both God’s Word and psychological study to the healing clients are desperately seeking.

 

For example:

Scripture states “Be angry, and do not sin” (Eph 4:26). This directive is comforting in that it suggests two things: 

1.     That it is not only ok and normal to be angry, but God allows it.  And 

2.     That there may be ways to express anger that do not require the person to apologize for later (in that they do not lead to tearing one another down, or causing physical damage or injury).

 

The question is “how” to achieve this outcome. Research by John Gottman, a therapist who has been researching couple interactions since 1976, suggests that as a person encounters stress, their heart-rate increases; and within 5 seconds of the body reaching a heart rate of 100 beats per minute, the brain enters a “fight or flight” state.[4]  In this state several things happen:

·      The prefrontal cortex, where we do our problem solving, begins to shut down and we are less able to think clearly or come up with solutions to problems.

·      Breathing becomes shallow – which means less oxygen is getting to the brain.

·      The Broca area of the brain – having to do with language – also begins to shutdown making words difficult to find, making the person feel as though they can’t find the words they need to communicate clearly when they most need them.

 

Scripture gives the therapist the assurance that the goal is possible, research offers one possible path to achieve it – have the client reduce their heart-rate: deep breathing exercises, take a break and listen to something relaxing, come back to the topic after the heart rate has decreased, oxygen returns, the brain turns back on, and the person often says “why didn’t I think of this before?”

 

The reverse is also possible. 

Research suggests that when a human is hurt, the natural response is to hurt or “punish” the perpetrator by making them feel as much or more pain than the victim experienced in order to prevent the perpetrator from harming the victim in the future.  While this makes intuitive sense, research suggests that it does not work, and actually escalates the possibility of more victimization.[5]  But there are many questions raised by these outcomes: how do I respond instead? What do I do with the pain I feel?

 

Scripture suggests that when a person speaks or acts, they describe themselves – NOT the person they might be talking about, or acting against (Matt 15:18).  If the client can shift the story from themselves as a victim, to the perpetrator as lashing out because of their woundedness and hurt, the client then has access to an empowered “non-defensive” stand. This is NOT to say the client shouldn’t call the police if violence is involved; but the call is made in an effort to get the perpetrator the help they need. The client is empowered rather than made to feel weak.

 

For the Christian Counselor there is an additional factor that makes continuing study critical. In secular counseling the power for healing is the person themselves. The therapist is the assistant to the client in finding their way in their healing journey. In Christian counseling the power for healing is the person themselves, the power of the Holy Spirit of God living in them, and the guidance of Jesus Christ as the “Great Physician.”  In this scenario the therapist is the assistant not only to the client, but also to the “Great Physician.” 

 

Just as with working with any other Physician, assisting them means constant research to be skilled to assist effectively without getting in the way or causing harm. To be the sharpest tool in the Physician‘s hand, the therapist must study both, God’s Word, and how His Word has been observed to operate in this world we were not made for, represented by valid scientific research.  When scientific observation is free from the confines of evolutionary materialism, results align surprisingly well with Truths found in Scripture.

 

My hope is to be able to communicate examples of this connection effectively and that you will help in the process by asking questions or present challenges that these articles might raise for you. Please respond, interact. My prayer is that we help each other navigate this place that is not our home.

 

if you are interested in coming in to our clinic to learn more, please see our website at www.spiritcounselingtx.com.  


[1]1Cor3:19 – “For the wisdom of this word is foolishness before God. For it is written, He is the one who catches the wise in their craftiness:” See also 1Cor2:1-5. These verses are focused on people attempting to use science to disprove God, not a rejection of scientific research.

[2] Meyer: God and the Origin of the Universe

Taped at the (March 18) 2019 Dallas Science and Faith Conference at Park Cities Baptist Church in Dallas sponsored by Discovery Institute’s Center for Science and Culture. (time 5:40)

Discovery Science

 

[3] “In science, ideas can never be completely proved or completely disproved. Instead, science accepts or rejects ideas based on supporting and refuting evidence, and may revise those conclusions if warranted by new evidence or perspectives.” 

“Correcting Misconceptions”, Understanding Science, UC Museum of Paleontology, undsci.berleley.edu.  Accessed 2/12/2024. URL: https://undsci.berkeley.edu/for-educators/prepare-and-plan/correcting-misconceptions/

 

 

 

[5] Worthington, E. L. Jr., “A Just Forgiveness: Responsible healing without excusing injustice.”, (2009) Intervarsity Press, Downers Grove, IL. ISBN 978-0-8308-3701-4. p. 29. See Concept described as “Injustice Gap”

Friday, March 1, 2024

IMPORTANCE OF GOD’S WORD (THE BIBLE) IN COUNSELING

 In my last post I mentioned an idea, that “This world is not our home: Our job is not to achieve perfection in this fallen world, but instead, learn how to navigate it with a healthy and intact spirit.”

Allow me to expand a little on what I mean by that…

 

In the Bible there is a verse where Jesus says “In this world you will have trouble, but do not fear, for I have overcome the world.”[1]  The obvious parallel is “life is hard, then you die;” but it wasn’t always this way. 

 

The book of Genesis describes a beautiful paradise where the law of the land was life and goodness thriving in abundance;[2]  but that goodness was corrupted, not specifically by man, but by the introduction of sin.  PLEASE don’t check out yet because I used the “S” word… “Sin” is the English word translated from the Greek word ‘hamartia,’ an old archery term meaning “to miss the target.” Basketball has a term with a similar meaning, “airball” meaning the player didn’t just miss the shot, but missed the entire basket, rim, backboard, pretty much the whole structure.

 

Back to Genesis, Adam and Eve had one target, to do what God directed them to do. But when Satan introduced an alternative target of “God just wants to keep you in your place, you can get what you want for yourself” the law of the land changed to “dog eat dog” and “only the strong survive” – literally. Under the new law of nature both the environment and one’s neighbors become dangerous.  

 

I believe humans spend the first part of their lives learning how to survive and “get their share” while getting cut, bit, hurt, and abused along the way in this paradise turned wilderness. I also believe that God’s original target is still standing, amongst the million other competing alternative targets people get to aim at, in their attempts to be “successful.”  By aiming at these alternative targets (i.e. fame, wealth, comfort, acceptance, etc.), we miss God’s target entirely (sin). I believe that God is not only a powerful creator, but also a loving Father, who wants us back in paradise in spite of the dangers of the wilderness we currently navigate;[3] and while Christians still get hurt, He has the knowledge and power to heal those wounds, if we follow his healing prescriptions. I also believe that God’s ideas will generally sound foolish to those committed to shooting at the other alternative targets. Let me give you an idea of what I mean by “healing prescriptions.”

 

The Bible is not a text book on psychology. However, it can play an important part in counseling in that there are many verses that apply directly to human behavior today.  Many clients find the concepts described in Scripture to be powerful in their day-to-day interactions with others, with their own internal thoughts, and external behaviors. If science is unbiased in its description of nature and humans, and if God made nature and humans, then it is reasonable to suggest that science is likely to support God’s statements regarding how He created both. 

 

There is an admonition in the Book of James (v1:22) to “be doers of the Word, not hearers only;” meaning part of the effort of understanding Scripture is learning how to apply it to daily life. One of the freedoms and the difficulties in that Scripture is that there are times it provides important guidance on “what” to do, but leaves the “how” of doing it to us.

 

Some of the verses that have proven especially helpful include:

·      Matthew 12:34 and 17:15 - What a person says and does describe themselves much more than the person they were directing to words to.

·      Ephesians 4:26 - There may be a way to express anger at an injustice, without hurting anyone, or doing something that results in guilt and or shame. Basically “be angry” but do so in a way that you don’t do anything wrong to feel guilty about, or apologize for later.  

·      Galatians chapter 6, verses 2 and 5 – that at first glance might seem to be contradictory, can in fact define a line between when a Christian might to say “yes” AND when they might say “no.”

 

In the next few posts, I will be touching on some of these specific scriptures, and how they might be applied in mental health counseling.  This discussion represents an adaption of Biblical Scriptures to healing in a mental health setting. This discussion is NOT meant to be a theological exposition of the Scripture. It is also NOT meant as the only way these Scriptures might be used, nor is this intended to be an exhaustive list of Scriptures that can be applied. My intention is simply to provide an example of how these verses have been important in the lives of people struggling with depression, anxiety and other challenges to mental health.

 

My hope is that these posts will inspire you to ask questions, engage in dialogue. Please engage in the process of this exploration by asking questions or presenting challenges that these articles might raise for you; and if you are interested in coming in to our clinic to learn more, please see our website at www.spiritcounselingtx.com.  



[1] John 16:33. All Scripture references use the New American Standard translation, unless otherwise indicated.

[2] Genesis chapter 1.

[3] Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Friday, February 2, 2024

INTRODUCTION - THIS IS NOT OUR HOME

I am a Christian Counselor. 

To me that means I believe God is a real being with a personality who loves you and me wherever we are and whatever we have done. I believe in Jesus Christ, God’s Son, who paid the penalty for the things that we have done, and bore the shame for the things that have happened to us. I believe He did these things through the power of His Holy Spirit so that we can be free from them to live the life we were designed to live. 

 

I believe that humans live in a world that has been corrupted from the one we were designed to live in; and as a result, for the Christian, this world is not our home. Rather it is an alien and violent place where humans are hurt, and hurt others, in their efforts to survive.

 

I also believe that God is an important and active participant in counseling and in the healing of the wounds that people experience, and that those who come to my office desire healing and guidance in navigating this alien world (this thing we call life). 

 

I also believe science has an important place in our lives as humans. I know that many people believe that science and theology (the study of God) are at odds with each other.  My training and experience have shown this dichotomy to be a fabrication. Especially when “science” is defined as the study of the structure and behavior of the physical ad natural world through observation, experimentation, and the testing of theories against the evidence obtained.  My premise is that if God actually designed creation, then honest science will point toward the created design, and the creator Himself.  So, from this perspective, I want to know how we operate in this world we were not designed for (science), and I want to know what the designer says about His creation (Scripture). My belief is that if I approach wounds informed by both sources, that healing is most likely.


In this blog I intend to discuss the implications of the idea that “This world is not our home: Our job is not to achieve perfection in this fallen world, but instead, learn how to navigate it with a healthy and intact spirit.” My intention is to discuss this topic within the framework of Mental Health and Christian Counseling that addresses the physical, emotional, cognitive, social, and spiritual realms humans cross as they live life.

 

I hope this will be an encouragement to your life, and if you are interested in coming in to our clinic to learn more, please see our website at www.spiritcounselingtx.com.  

 

I also hope you will contribute your own thoughts and questions to the content in this blog. Please respond, interact. My prayer is that we help each other navigate this place that is not our home.

Saturday, November 30, 2019

Who's to Blame?

I was recently in Vegas on business.
While I saw many things I wish I could un-see, there was one thing I had a hard time letting go of.  The sidewalks were crowded, music playing, rowdiness, some drunkenness, and in the midst of it all was a person with a bull horn and a sign warning of God's judgement to come.

At the time I was upset, but not sure why. After some thought I realized that I don't think it is totally fair to blame God for the guilt and resentment we feel. We humans blame ourselves all the time (John 3:20-21), we don't have to wait for what's to come. The person getting drunk and waking up in their own vomit knows this is not the way they want to live. The person who is the subject of the internet posted video of themselves falling off the barstool for no reason doesn't like the image of everyone around them laughing; Unfortunately the judgments are couched in rationalizations like "that's the way life is," "life is hard and I deserve a break," or "that's just what I have to do to have friends."

I realized that the reason I was upset was that the only thing accomplished by threatening others in their shame with the judgement of God is to entrench them as enemies of God. Jesus did confront others in their sin, but He saved the judgmental confrontations for religious leaders who thought they were doing God's will, when they were actually working against His purposes and hurting the people Jesus wanted to reach (Matthew 23:13-36).

We humans already judge ourselves by our own scales: people commit suicide (death penalty) because they feel their life has no purpose; or because they have reached the top of the power or fame ladder and realize their spirit still feels empty.

The message of Christ is "God Loves you... yes even YOU!  Unfortunately many try all the other options first and experience lives of unnecessary pain, convincing themselves "I guess life is just one painful event after another."

In an interview broadcast on WAY-FM (4/17/19:6:45am heard in Dallas Texas on 89.7FM) Kathy Lee Gifford described a conversation she had with another celebrity who professed an agnostic or atheist faith. When asked "why do you love us?  I'm a bad guy." Kathy replied "Your are not bad, just confused. I love you because God loves you, and He loves you more than you could ever know!"  What a GREAT response!

Yes, people need to hear the whole message of the Gospel. Christian faith does believe that people die and go to Hell if they reject God's offer of life in Jesus Christ; but that condemnation is not the result of God's desire (2Peter 3:9) but rather the human's own choices based on the human's own choices (James 1:13-15). Jesus did not come to judge the world. He didn't have to. When a person says "there is no God" or "I chose my own way into heaven over God's way" - they judge themselves (John 3:17, 5:45, & 12:47-48). It's kind of like a death-row inmate rejecting the Governor's pardon. In that situation is the Governor really responsible for their death?

What if the standard Christian message to everyone is "God LOVES you. He wants you to come home to Him. God doesn't send us to Hell... we do, by pushing Him, and His love offer of pardon and freedom, away.

Just something to think about.
What are your thoughts?

If you want help exploring God's love for you in your life, I am happy to help!
Contact us here at Spirit Christian Counseling Centers: 
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com





Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Tuesday, October 22, 2019

Learning how to drive at 55...

Ok, I am really 59 years old, 
and God is teaching me how to drive a car.

I didn’t just wake up from a coma, nor do I live in New York. I grew up in a generation that wanted to drive as soon as we could, and I I have been driving a car for more than 40 years. 
But recently, God has invited me to something I find rather amazing, and driving back and forth to home and work hasn’t been the same since.  I actually have a great commute!

In my work I am blessed with the opportunity to work with Scripture. I have been working many years suggesting to clients that a verse, Matthew 15:17-18, could suggest that what a person does or says describes their self… and no other.
 “Do you not understand that everything that goes into the mouth passes into the stomach, and is eliminated?  But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man.”

In other words… it is not what words are forced on us, what actions are forced on us, that defile us. Only the things we say, and the things we do, in response, define who we are.  Those things others have done to us - as horrible as they have been - defined them… NOT us!

So what does this have to do with driving? 

I am driving down the road and God says “get in the slow lane and set the cruise control.” I see up ahead one person in the slow lane going 65 (on a 70mph highway) and another car right next to them doing the same speed. I can feel the heat begin to rise. I tell God “why do they do that! They are doing the same speed! Get in the same lane! Why hinder traffic! (which actually means “why hinder me!”).   God said stay calm. Let them do what they are going to do, you focus on what you are doing. By the time I caught up to them, the right lane person exited, clearing the path ahead of me. In my mind I felt relieved of some hidden stress.
Later this big truck pulls right in front of me, as he crossed 3 lanes of moving traffic to get to the exit lane to our right! I immediately began yelling about how that truck has interfered with this thing God was trying to teach me, and how the truck driver should have gone to the next exit, and what was he thinking crossing multiple lanes of moving traffic endangering everyone!

God told me “You spend a lot of energy trying to drive everyone else’s car. Its like you bring them into the courtroom of your mind, and have found him guilty of traffic safety violations, have sentenced him, and are angry at yourself for not having the power to enforce your sentence on him. If you got his license, report him. If not, keep moving. He is likely to lose the gifts he has been given, or not. Either way that is his life. Focus on yours.”

The rest of the trip was me reciting this mantra: “you do what you do, I will do what I will do.”
Of course the mantra isn’t the point, and this article is not on “how to get home in one peace.” What I learned was how easy it is to be distracted by everything around me; and by letting it go, how easy it is to spend time with God in a peace that goes way beyond understanding.
Now I get, some of you might respond to this by saying “that’s just naive - grow up old man!” But, I have been driving to and from home at peace in rush-hour traffic the last week! Can you say the same about your commute?

If you want help if figuring out how to get to this peace in the midst of chaos, I am happy to help!
Contact us here at Spirit Christian Counseling Centers: 
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com





Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Thursday, August 15, 2019

Male / Female Differences #5 - Words might be the same, Meanings are NOT

I want to close out this series of discussions with this idea:
that while most couples use similar words to communicate what they are thinking, the meanings that are taken from the words we use can be Very different from what we were trying to say.
Research seems to suggest that gender plays a role in the differences: Male communications, especially written, will tend to focus on differences - how one concept is different from the other. Female language will tend to focus on how issues are similar or what they have in common. These research outcomes do not, however, fully explain the common communication difference between husbands and wives that I notice often in session; and I have to admit that I suspect this month's Male/Female difference may have more to do with cultural language used by men and women, than it has to do with physiological or linguistic gender differences.

The important idea to take from this post has less to do with "gender differences" than it hast to do with the idea that what each spouse hears is VERY likely NOT what their spouse intended to say; and many times spouses end up arguing "My interpretation of what you said is what you meant - don't try to deny it or change it now that I'm mad!"

For Example:
Wife: "I have told you the same thing a hundred times!"
Where another woman would likely reply with "You're right, I must be missing your point" the husband likely hears something similar to "You must be an idiot to not understand this simple idea" -
Which in this case is not what the wife is trying to communicate.

The husband likely feels attacked (because if another man used the same words the meaning would be that he is being called an idiot); as a result, he is likely to try and defend himself.
Husband: "I am not an idiot."
Wife: "That is not what I meant."
Husband: "What else could that mean?"
Wife: "I just wanted you to know this is not the first time I have mentioned this issue, and I am beginning to wonder if you are simply not listening on purpose."
Husband: "So my choices are I am an idiot, or I'm a jerk."
Wife: "I never said any of those words."
Husband: "You don't have to, I heard your meaning loud and clear!"
Both are frustrated.

He does not realize that his wife is using words differently than another man would. As a result it is difficult for the husband to hear the wife's message: "You are not hearing me. If you can't hear me when I talk, then how can I ever be safe? If you can't hear me when I talk, how will you hear me when I cry out about something more important? If my words are not heard, then I am invisible, not valued, or worse - in danger."

Instead he hears: "You are apparently incapable of normal human understanding - no matter how many times and how many ways the information is presented - you are just too stupid to be able to take it in."

Pathway to Freedom
The most difficult thing to do is to listen for what the other spouse means, rather than solely focusing on the exact words they used. This is difficult because the moment our brains decode the message we think we heard, there is an immediate emotional response.  The presence of that emotional response makes it difficult to set that emotion (anger, fear, hurt, lonely, etc) aside long enough to make sure what we heard is what they were trying to communicate.
One key behavior a good therapist will discuss with couples is simply pausing before responding. Sometimes just taking a breath, or ever the sage advice of "counting to ten" will work. Then a person can respond with a desire to understand and learn about their spouse, rather than feel they have to defend against them like an enemy.
Of course when the pain has built up over years, this simple behavior needs to be supported with other, more sophisticated, tools.  Couples can expect to get these tools from a good family/couples therapist.

If you need help hearing the love in your spouses heart rather than the hurtfulness in their words, or help in communicating the love in your own heart, we would love to help. Contact us here at Spirit Christian Counseling Centers: 
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com



Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.



Monday, July 8, 2019

Male and Female Communication Differences - Example 4 "That's not what I meant..."


One of the hardest tasks I have as a counselor working with couples, is to help them realize that what they think their spouse is saying is NOT what their spouse is actually trying to communicate.
Male communications are generally task focused - efficient resolution of issues or achievement of desired goals;
where as female communications are generally pattern focused - outcome experience of a goal, or event.
These two different ways of seeing the same event, left untranslated, can make conflict more painful than it has to be; as illustrated in the following example:

Husband: I didn’t mean it the way you heard it.
Wife: thank you for the apology.
Husband: well, we could have saved a lot of time & pain had you just remembered
that I would never have said something like that.
Wife: so, your blaming me for being hurt? You had no part in it at all?!
When I told you what you said that hurt me, you got mad... I am not sorry that I was hurt!
H: Yes, if you had remembered who I am, or just asked me what I meant, we would not be fighting.
W: who you are right now is someone who doesn't care whether I'm hurting or not... Is that what you want me to remember?

The husband in this case is focused on the efficiency of resolving the problem - “the sooner I am made aware of the problem, the sooner I can fix it.” However, the wife in this case is focused on how the pain felt when it was experienced. Much like a spouse slamming a door on your finger - the first thing most people will think of is how to make the pain stop rather than how silly it was to not move my finger, or why they didn’t notice my finger before closing the door in the first place. The pain was the result of a true accident - not intentional on either person’s part; but the pain demands to be addressed, before embarking on an analysis of the accident.

Path to peace

Both must realize that the first natural response is not the only feelings they have. Just because this husband responded with “how to prevent pain in the future” does not mean he does not care about the wife’s pain in the moment. The fact that he wants to prevent pain means there is some caring; it just means his empathy comes after observation.
Just because this wife is focused on the pain experience does not mean she is not reasonable - the fact that she is trying to have a conversation means she is reasonable. In that moment she is in need of empathy, and reason comes after the pain has subsided, addressed, or at least recognized.

In critical moments, research suggests that both spouses are likely to respond out of reflex rather than reason. A good therapist will work with both to pause and take a breath before responding.
Attempting to defend a reputation and pride at this point may not be worth the damage it causes to the relationship, try empathy first. Giving permission to the other person to be hurt, or angry, by what they heard (which will be different from what was said) will go farther than defensiveness from feeling offended by what your spouse’s words might mean about you.

Focusing on reducing the pain before discussing the misunderstanding. Pausing before responding can be a powerful healing tool. It develops trust in partners, especially those that struggle with anxiety in relationships. For example:

Husband: I am sorry you were hurt by what I said. I understand how you would be hurt by what you heard; and I understand how what I said could be heard that way. The message you heard was not what I intended or meant, but we can talk about that later. Right now, I want you to know that I love you, and I'm sorry you are hurting. What can I do?

Does this mean reputation should be ignored? Absolutely not! Reputation is what gives our words credibility when we say “I did not mean my original statement the way you took it, I’m sorry it came across that way, I don’t ever want to hurt you like that.” Credibility and reputation give the other person confidence that when they ask you what you really meant, that the real meaning will make sense and they can trust that you didn’t make it up after the fact.

The point is not that we will never hurt each other; but that when we do get hurt in an accident or misunderstanding, the pain will be respected and healed - even if it was an accidental slamming my finger in the door.

If this “trust to heal the injury” doesn’t exist in your relationship, come see us, we’d like to help. Contact us here at Spirit Christian Counseling Centers:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com




Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.