Male / Female Differences #5 - Words might be the same, Meanings are NOT

I want to close out this series of discussions with this idea:
that while most couples use similar words to communicate what they are thinking, the meanings that are taken from the words we use can be Very different from what we were trying to say.
Research seems to suggest that gender plays a role in the differences: Male communications, especially written, will tend to focus on differences - how one concept is different from the other. Female language will tend to focus on how issues are similar or what they have in common. These research outcomes do not, however, fully explain the common communication difference between husbands and wives that I notice often in session; and I have to admit that I suspect this month's Male/Female difference may have more to do with cultural language used by men and women, than it has to do with physiological or linguistic gender differences.

The important idea to take from this post has less to do with "gender differences" than it hast to do with the idea that what each spouse hears is VERY likely NOT what their spouse intended to say; and many times spouses end up arguing "My interpretation of what you said is what you meant - don't try to deny it or change it now that I'm mad!"

For Example:
Wife: "I have told you the same thing a hundred times!"
Where another woman would likely reply with "You're right, I must be missing your point" the husband likely hears something similar to "You must be an idiot to not understand this simple idea" -
Which in this case is not what the wife is trying to communicate.

The husband likely feels attacked (because if another man used the same words the meaning would be that he is being called an idiot); as a result, he is likely to try and defend himself.
Husband: "I am not an idiot."
Wife: "That is not what I meant."
Husband: "What else could that mean?"
Wife: "I just wanted you to know this is not the first time I have mentioned this issue, and I am beginning to wonder if you are simply not listening on purpose."
Husband: "So my choices are I am an idiot, or I'm a jerk."
Wife: "I never said any of those words."
Husband: "You don't have to, I heard your meaning loud and clear!"
Both are frustrated.

He does not realize that his wife is using words differently than another man would. As a result it is difficult for the husband to hear the wife's message: "You are not hearing me. If you can't hear me when I talk, then how can I ever be safe? If you can't hear me when I talk, how will you hear me when I cry out about something more important? If my words are not heard, then I am invisible, not valued, or worse - in danger."

Instead he hears: "You are apparently incapable of normal human understanding - no matter how many times and how many ways the information is presented - you are just too stupid to be able to take it in."

Pathway to Freedom
The most difficult thing to do is to listen for what the other spouse means, rather than solely focusing on the exact words they used. This is difficult because the moment our brains decode the message we think we heard, there is an immediate emotional response.  The presence of that emotional response makes it difficult to set that emotion (anger, fear, hurt, lonely, etc) aside long enough to make sure what we heard is what they were trying to communicate.
One key behavior a good therapist will discuss with couples is simply pausing before responding. Sometimes just taking a breath, or ever the sage advice of "counting to ten" will work. Then a person can respond with a desire to understand and learn about their spouse, rather than feel they have to defend against them like an enemy.
Of course when the pain has built up over years, this simple behavior needs to be supported with other, more sophisticated, tools.  Couples can expect to get these tools from a good family/couples therapist.

If you need help hearing the love in your spouses heart rather than the hurtfulness in their words, or help in communicating the love in your own heart, we would love to help. Contact us here at Spirit Christian Counseling Centers: 
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com



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Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Male and Female Communication Differences - Example 4 "That's not what I meant..."

One of the hardest tasks I have as a counselor working with couples, is to help them realize that what they think their spouse is saying is NOT what their spouse is actually trying to communicate.
Male communications are generally task focused - efficient resolution of issues or achievement of desired goals;
where as female communications are generally pattern focused - outcome experience of a goal, or event.
These two different ways of seeing the same event, left untranslated, can make conflict more painful than it has to be; as illustrated in the following example:

Husband: I didn’t mean it the way you heard it.
Wife: thank you for the apology.
Husband: well, we could have saved a lot of time & pain had you just remembered
that I would never have said something like that.
Wife: so, your blaming me for being hurt? You had no part in it at all?!
When I told you what you said that hurt me, you got mad... I am not sorry that I was hurt!
H: Yes, if you had remembered who I am, or just asked me what I meant, we would not be fighting.
W: who you are right now is someone who doesn't care whether I'm hurting or not... Is that what you want me to remember?

The husband in this case is focused on the efficiency of resolving the problem - “the sooner I am made aware of the problem, the sooner I can fix it.” However, the wife in this case is focused on how the pain felt when it was experienced. Much like a spouse slamming a door on your finger - the first thing most people will think of is how to make the pain stop rather than how silly it was to not move my finger, or why they didn’t notice my finger before closing the door in the first place. The pain was the result of a true accident - not intentional on either person’s part; but the pain demands to be addressed, before embarking on an analysis of the accident.

Path to peace

Both must realize that the first natural response is not the only feelings they have. Just because this husband responded with “how to prevent pain in the future” does not mean he does not care about the wife’s pain in the moment. The fact that he wants to prevent pain means there is some caring; it just means his empathy comes after observation.
Just because this wife is focused on the pain experience does not mean she is not reasonable - the fact that she is trying to have a conversation means she is reasonable. In that moment she is in need of empathy, and reason comes after the pain has subsided, addressed, or at least recognized.

In critical moments, research suggests that both spouses are likely to respond out of reflex rather than reason. A good therapist will work with both to pause and take a breath before responding.
Attempting to defend a reputation and pride at this point may not be worth the damage it causes to the relationship, try empathy first. Giving permission to the other person to be hurt, or angry, by what they heard (which will be different from what was said) will go farther than defensiveness from feeling offended by what your spouse’s words might mean about you.

Focusing on reducing the pain before discussing the misunderstanding. Pausing before responding can be a powerful healing tool. It develops trust in partners, especially those that struggle with anxiety in relationships. For example:

Husband: I am sorry you were hurt by what I said. I understand how you would be hurt by what you heard; and I understand how what I said could be heard that way. The message you heard was not what I intended or meant, but we can talk about that later. Right now, I want you to know that I love you, and I'm sorry you are hurting. What can I do?

Does this mean reputation should be ignored? Absolutely not! Reputation is what gives our words credibility when we say “I did not mean my original statement the way you took it, I’m sorry it came across that way, I don’t ever want to hurt you like that.” Credibility and reputation give the other person confidence that when they ask you what you really meant, that the real meaning will make sense and they can trust that you didn’t make it up after the fact.

The point is not that we will never hurt each other; but that when we do get hurt in an accident or misunderstanding, the pain will be respected and healed - even if it was an accidental slamming my finger in the door.

If this “trust to heal the injury” doesn’t exist in your relationship, come see us, we’d like to help. Contact us here at Spirit Christian Counseling Centers:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com



Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Male and Female Communication Differences - Example 3

A big part of communication is not only how we express ourselves, but how we listen. Research has suggested one of the differences between the way women and men listen is that women tend to listen for patterns, how separate topics are related to each other; where as men tend to listen for how topics differ or are unique from one another. In this way, men are like builders - selecting the right materials to use to complete a task from hundreds of options; where as women are like weavers - talking the many options of color and texture and weave them into a cohesive whole.
This is not to say that men and women are unable to recognize or achieve both similarities and differences; it just means that each gender tends to observe one approach naturally, and generally needs to work at seeing the other.

This translates loosely to a rule of thumb: women will generally listen for patterns, men will generally listen for individual tasks. In this way both could listen to each other regarding the same facts about the same event, and still get into an argument that leaves both saying "You aren't listening to me!"
To illustrate this difference I'll use the conversation topic: "I want you to value me."

Wife says: "You don't value my input."
Husband (task focus) hears: 'I'm doing something wrong'
(which is Not what she is trying to communicate).

Husband says: "What do you mean? I respect your input"
(He probably doesn't realize he has changed the word "value" to "respect" which easily could change the meaning of her message.)
Husband goes on to give several examples of how he has respected her input in the past... Individual task examples of how he has achieved the task he thinks she is suggesting he is failing at.

Wife hears the examples, which to her translates to: "You have no idea what you are talking about"
(which is Not what he is trying to communicate.)
Wife says: "You're missing the point."

Husband hears: "Your listening wrong." (which is still not her point)
Husband (with confused look on his face) says: Ok, what do you want me to do? How do you want me to respect you?

Wife gives three examples.
Husband does the first example and says "There, I did it, you happy now?"
Wife responds: "You're still missing the point; and it doesn't mean anything if you do it because I told you to."
Husband is now more confused, and is now frustrated because his efforts, while successful, are not achieving the desired "satisfaction with his effort" response from his wife.

Husband asks for clarification.
Wife give 3 additional examples (because more examples increases the chances that husband will be able to identify the pattern - which would be accurate if he were a woman.)

Unfortunately Husband does not think in "patterns"
Husband (task focused) hears a list of new tasks to accomplish (which is still not what she means). Husband says: "Wait, now you're changing the target and giving me 3 more things I have to do, this is a moving target, you are never satisfied, I give up!
Both are frustrated.

Path to Peace:
The issue in this example is NOT that that husband doesn't care enough to give his wife what she needs; AND the issue is NOT that the wife is ficke and will never be satisfied.  The problem is that they are hearing two completely different messages, even though they are using the exact same words.
A good therapist will work to help each spouse listen for the message the other person is trying to communicate, sometimes in spite of the words they are using.  Sometimes just knowing there is a difference in male and female communications makes a difference. For example - knowing about the difference might change the way both spouses engage with each other.

The wife might be able to tell her husband:
"I am looking for a pattern in the way you behave with me.  I can give you specific examples, but I don't want you to necessarily do the examples, I want you to understand the pattern, so you can come up with examples of your own."

If the husband can change his thinking to understand his job is identifying the pattern, then the examples are not as overwhelming - because he now just has to focus on the one pattern, rather than each of the 15 examples.
The wife might also keep in mind to give her husband a couple of examples, not as many as she can think of.
For example:
If she says she doesn't like how he spends all his time with family when they come over, or goes to spend time with the guys at parties, or goes off to get 2-3 items on the grocery list rather than shopping with her, he might be able to identify the pattern of "you want me to spend time next to you when we go places." He might even come up with his own ideas for activities they can do together - like learning to dance.

If you are interested in learning how to translate what your spouse has been saying, we are here to help. Contact us here at Spirit Christian Counseling Centers:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Male and Female Communication Differences - Example 2

Example #2 - How to compliment your mate.

Mother's Day is this month, so I thought I would look at make and female differences with regard to complements and support.  Many have heard about the 12 Love Languages (1995), a book by Gary Chapman. The book can be very helpful, and although the languages have little to do with male and female differences, I mention it to illustrate that while there are gender differences discussed in these posts, there are many language differences beyond gender that make our communications, lives, and relationships "interesting."
So, as in other posts in this series, please keep in mind that these observations and thoughts incorporate HUGE generalizations. My hope in writing these articles is to highlight the male/female differences to make it possible for couples to address them individually; hopefully resolving a few of the obstacles that can play an influential role in the development of communication problems.

The difficulty with these gender language differences is that they are not easy to spot without an example. For this post I will use a statement I have heard many times from both husbands and wives about feeling respected and valued: "I want to be seen as capable."

In the above sentence Men would generally focus on the word "capable." In the Bible (Genesis 3:17), men are cures in their ability to achieve results: work will be done by the sweat of their brow, weeds will come up instead of fruit, men will die, and all they build will turn to dust.  As a result of being cursed in their "ability to achieve" men are generally sensitive to being regarded as "capable."

Women, in general, might focus on the word "seen."  The curse on women (Genesis 3:15) is very different. Women generally experience their pain in relationships (childbirth) and in their position as bridge person between the previous, the present and future generations. Part of the second half of the curse is feeling "ruled over" by men.  Socially, that "feeling" has been a reality throughout history, and in many ways, in many cultures, it still is.

So, the conversation might look like this:
Wife: "This guy at work is a pompous jerk. Anytime I make a contribution at our team meetings he says, 'uh huh' and 'as I was saying...' He totally ignores my contribution and changes the subject before I can say anything.  I go to confront him and he patronizes me saying 'now, now, that's not what I am trying to do. If you're going to be in this business you're gonna have to get a thicker skin."

Husband, wanting to help and defend her, but thinking from a "capability" model, says:  "Here's what you need to do.  Next time he tries to blow you off, just ignore him and what he thinks. Talk over him if you have to. I know you can do that, you do that to me all the time." (Husband smiles, thinking he has solved "the problem")

Wife (now furious) says: "So basically you are saying I need thicker skin?!! Do you have any idea how I feel when I have been fighting this problem for months, and you think you solved it in 30 seconds?! And what do you mean I don't listen to you - you aren't even listening to me!!!

Husband (now confused) says: "I heard everything you said! What do you mean I'm not listening?"

Path to peace:
For most husbands, a complement requires a comment on her confidence in his capability or achievement - 'knowing what to DO, and HOW to do it.'
For many wives, a complement needs to communicate the message "I see you, and understand it must be difficult to be you in that situation."  This can often include the husband speaking his observations out loud, verbally communicating his confidence in her, or to brag about the difference and value his wife brings to his life and the lives around her - letting her know she is "seen" and not invisible.

The husband, in this case, wants to go and defend his wife, possibly talk over the man who would disrespect his wife that way.
Rather than tell her to do what he wants to do, he might translate his desire into empathy - what it must have been like to be her in that moment:
"Wow, you must have been furious. If someone did that to me I would have been really pissed! Especially because I know your ideas are really good! How many times have or clients told you they want you on their projects specifically because of the input you provide!"

Husbands are often confused that this response would help - generally because it does not "address the presenting problem." The response does, however, address her presenting problem - hence the need for translation.

If you are interested in learning how to translate what you want to say to your spouse, in ways he or she can hear the messages, we are here to help.  Contact us here at Spirit Christian Counseling Centers: www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Male / Female Communication Differences - Example 1

I often write about male and female communication differences based on research on physical, educational, and psychological differences (same brain neural areas, different sizes, make for different processing strengths for each). From a theological standpoint I believe God made man and woman differently but loves them equally - at the same immeasurable level.

The conclusion I have come to from reading multiple research outcomes is that men and women communicate differently - NOT that one is better than the other, only that they are different. Attempting to approach intimate conversations without being aware of those differences, or pretending they don’t exist, makes communication harder than it has to be – which exhausts both participants until they have no energy left.

I am often asked for examples. Here is one difference/translation-required example that I have observed in many sessions. The example below is used for illustrative purposes so it has several generalizations – please do not be offended. If this difference does not describe you, then your relationship is probably at a higher level of intimacy than most. If it is not, there may be other translation examples in your relationship that you may want to explore with a therapist:

Example 1: A Husband asks his Wife “I’m thinking of doing X, is it do-able?”

Wife thinks Husband is informing her of a decision he has already made and asking her if she can handle the consequences. (In session, the husband would begin to shake his head here saying “but that’s not what I meant”). Based on the prevailing female narrative that suggests a successful woman needs to be capable of handling everything while not breaking a sweat, the wife will reply: “yep we can handle that.”

She might think (and not say out loud): “by stretching our already frayed resources and time to their absolute limits.”

Husband thinks “Great, she is on board with this decision!”

Wife gets mad because Husband does things without considering her.

Husband is confused and says “I asked, and you said it was ok so I assumed you were in agreement.”

Wife says “that’s not what you asked!”

Both begin to argue about what words were actually used, and their circular arguments begin.

Part of the problem is in the way humans communicate. We regularly give partial messages for expediency and expect that the other person to fill in the gaps in the way we expected them to. The receiving spouse will even say “yes I understand”  (wives often hear this statement from their husbands and reply “no you don’t”) – because they understand what they think the other person is saying – not what the other person is actually saying.

What is unclear is if the message they understand is the same one the sender was intending to communicate.  This is not a problem in male communication or female communication – one is NOT better than the other. It happens when couples have to cross the language border because the way men and women use language is truly different.

A good family therapist can help with translation, usually by encouraging each spouse to fill in the gaps. Many times I will hear spouses argue: “I shouldn’t have to give details, my spouse should know how hard I work to make our home a good place to live.” I believe that when stress levels between loving spouses is low, they will observe and acknowledge each other for all the work they do; but, when stress is high (over 100 heartbeats/min), our brains move into a fight/flight mode that makes normal observations difficult.

What is the Path to Peace? Couples can start by filling in the gaps:

Husband: “I’m thinking about doing X and I want your input 'before' I make a decision. What do you think?”

Wife: Are you asking me if it is possible, or are you asking for my thoughts on whether we should do it?”

If you are interested in learning how to translate what your spouse has been saying we are here to help. Contact us here at Spirit Counseling Centers:

www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Assertiveness, it's all about the "AND"

I read an article recently that defined Aggressiveness and Passivity as two ends of the Assertiveness Spectrum (Ames, Lee,& Wazlawek, 2017).  I wonder, though, if assertiveness could be something altogether different.  I believe something important is lost when the concepts of assertiveness and aggressiveness are confused. 

While discussing the topic with a colleague at a local coffee house, she remarked on a black coffee mug with a big white ampersand (&) on it: “I really don’t get it, what that means.” She was surprised when I had a ready answer: “Its all about the ‘And.’ The symbol/word connects things like peanut butter & jelly; ideas like Liberty & Justice; and people, like you & me.” 

I believe the concept of Assertiveness is like that; it’s not about who wins or loses, it’s not about who gets their way – you or me; rather it is all about how we can connect with others if we are willing to freely share our own thoughts and beliefs; AND if we can be receptive in a way that allows others to feel free to share their selves with us.  In other words, if I am not willing to share what I think and want… I am being selfish (passive) – but if I stop there, only focusing on what I want, then I am not being assertive – I’m being aggressive – which is also selfish.

Let me explain.

When I counsel couples this topic comes up often. Many individuals are taught that to be assertive means they must stand up and fight for what they want, otherwise they will be taken advantage of by others – because they have learned “others” are generally selfish.  The spouse on the receiving end will generally describe this behavior as “aggressive.”  Other individuals have been taught the opposite; that if they ever disclose their desires to another they are being selfish – that making a request somehow represents a selfish act of demanding their own way. The spouse on the receiving end of this behavior generally describes it as “passive.” The theme that both behaviors share is an attempt to protect self.  The aggressive communicator wishes to protect their interests and desired outcomes. Since the aggressive person’s focus is on their own needs and desired outcomes, without consideration of the other spouse, their behavior is focused on you OR me – which would be defined here as “selfish.”  The passive communicator also wishes to protect self – most often from pain of an anticipated conflict or attack. However, because the passive person’s focus is to protect their own needs and desired outcomes (generally “absence of conflict”), and consideration of the other spouse is limited to how the knowledge can be used to keep the other spouse pacified – the behavior can also be categorized as selfish.

The question becomes – what is assertive?

In both aggressive and passive efforts, the focus is on the “OR.” For the aggressive communicator its “My way ‘Or’ they highway.”  For the passive communicator it’s “Whatever you want, as long as we don’t have to fight. If it has to be your idea ‘Or’ mine, I’ll go with yours to keep the peace.”

In a healthy assertive conversation, the focus is on the “&.”  Spouse A might say “I want to see an action movie.” And if the statement ended there it might be considered aggressive; but the spouse adds “what do you want to see?” Spouse B might say “I want to see a Comedy.” 

In these statements both A and B are being assertive – saying what they want AND looking for common ground. They may end up watching an Action Comedy, or watching a Comedy this week with the sincere agreement to watch an Action film next week.  Either way the focus is on the AND rather than the OR. Both learn about each other, respect each other, and then step into the experience of each other.

According to this definition, when spouses don’t share (what they really want or don’t want; their true selves), they would be acting self-ish-ly. What would be even more confusing would be their feelings of being controlled by the other (yes both the passive and aggressive person can feel controlled), when the power to have the life they want is in their own hands.

Please hear me – There ARE times when expressing what you really want is dangerous or even life threatening! Does that mean you are being selfish by keeping yourself safe? Absolutely Not! … as long as you take steps to get yourself into a safe environment.

If you would like more information on how to stop feeling controlled in relationships, and how to employ assertiveness in your life, or if you need information on how to get into a safe environment, contact us here at Spirit Counseling Centers – let us help.

www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

References:

Ames D, Lee A, Wazlawek A. (2017).  Interpersonal assertiveness: Inside the balancing act. Soc Personal Psychol Compass. 2017:11:e12317. https://doi-org.ezproxy.liberty.edu/10.1111/spc3.12317

Copyright © 2018 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Freedom to Flourish - By Design

Am I simply the result of all my experiences? or even worse... Am I powerless to the diagnosis I was given, or all the trauma that has been inflicted on me?

I believe, and research supports, that the answer can be "No."

The Universe has a structure, basic rules by which it operates; so does the human body.  Applying knowledge of the body’s design parameters can lead to physical health or lead to physical sickness, pain, and even death. These design parameters also illustrated when the body is damaged, in that diseases have a progression that is somewhat predictable from one body to the next.  Most will agree that if they eat well and exercise they can expect their bodies to perform in a relatively healthy manner. If they eat poorly and avoid exercise they are not surprised when their doctor recommends lifestyle changes.

Mental health diagnoses are based on the concept that the mind/brain operates in a similar fashion – a specific type of trauma will effect different people in similar ways. Thoughts and emotions operate within a design structure. The field of mental health is based upon this hope; that healing might be possible from application of the knowledge of how thought and emotional health can impact, and/or be impacted by, our experience of the world. 

Of course there are physical health situations that are out of our control, genetics, disease, trauma, etc.  These event also affect the brain, and people’s ability to think about, and respond to, their environment.

However, even in these circumstances, while we may not get to choose what illness we get, or what traumatic events befall us, we do have the choice of how to address, respond, fight, or live-with them.  Limitations influence, but do not make decisions for a person.  Human history is full of examples of people who did not let their limitations make the decisions on what career to have, who to marry, or where to live. To thrive, or flourish, rather than survive, requires that one take ownership and create the life they live in the face of, or even in spite of, these genetic, physical, and/or trauma related limitations. To surrender one’s future to the physical “cards they are dealt” is to merely survive.

Path to freedom

There is an alternative to surviving…  THRIVING!

Even in trauma that has been severe or deeply rooted in childhood, there are paths to healing & freedom; examples include movement from anxious and avoidant attachment to secure attachment (Shura, et al., 2017) and PTSD to Post Traumatic Growth (American Psychological Association, 2004.

Structured paths to freedom exist; many are outlined in Scripture and are finding more and more support in scientific research. Paths to help people free themselves from the ‘things’ that mentally or emotionally hold them back. The challenge is to find the freedom available on these paths without becoming imprisoned by them.  This journey to freedom is to a point beyond just surviving – rather, it involves consideration of what a person’s life contribution might actually be. 

This journey begins when one accepts first, that challenges to mental health are a normal part of life; and second that there are also structures available by which these challenges can be met, and in many cases, overcome!

If you would like help finding your path through the chaos, Call us at 469-660-8620, or find us on line at SpiritCounselingTx.com to make an appointment.

References:

Shura,R.D., Rutherford, B.J., Fugett, A. et al. (2017). An Exploratory Study of Attachments and Posttraumatic Stress in Combat Veterans. Current Psychology, 36(110). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-015-9390-2


 The Effects of Trauma Do Not Have to Last a Lifetime. (2004, January 16). American Psychological Association. retrieved from http://www.apa.org/research/action/ptsd.aspx?lipi=urn%3Ali%3Apage%3Ad_flagship3_profile_view_base_recent_activity_details_shares%3Bdjte7PzLT5CU4eIgodd2hw%3D%3D



Copyright © 2018 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.