Access to Healing: Why can’t we find the solution ourselves?

For most issues, especially when guided by the Spirit of God, couples can and do find solutions themselves. 

However God expects believers to reach out to each other in the church for help (Gal 6:2).  In 1Cor 14:12 Scripture suggests that the gifts given to members of the church, like counseling, are intended to be used to build up other members of the church. 

However, problems still occur because “Blindspots” exist for couples just as they do for individuals. Blindspots are those places we cannot see without help of people external to our situation.

One of the benefits good counselors provide is that external perspective for couples feeling stuck from looking at a problem so long it has become a blind-spot for the  

The Anonymous programs (e.g. Alcoholics Anonymous) make heavy use of the Serenity Prayer (Shapiro, 2014):

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
 

A good counselor can help couples see if they are trying to change things that can’t be changed, or have fallen into a pattern of accepting things that need changing.

This way couples may not have to live with an issue because they believe it to be a character-flaw, when it is in actuality a learned habit (meaning that the behavior can be un-learned).  Conversely a good counselor can help couples distinguish character traits from “behaviors” so that harmony in the home can happen in learning ways to accept the things that cannot be changed.
 

Pathway to Freedom

It is important to find a counselor who will not only help you name the problem and define it, but also identify alternative approaches and behaviors in resolving it. Sometimes men will not move forward, and their wives will believe “they just don’t care,” or “He just doesn’t want to” do what it takes to make the relationship successful.”  This in-action is NOT always indicative of a character issue. Many times when men do not know how to proceed, they will simply stop and refuse to move forward in order to prevent mistakes from making the situation worse; a behavior Julie and John Gottman call “flooding.” (Gottman, 2013).
 

When this happens it is important to remember that this situation is similar to large home appliances. The fact that an air conditioner cools an entire house, but not a specific room, does not mean the problem is a character (design) flaw of the air conditioner. It means something needs to be done. Couples need to resist the urge to “just live with it” rather than call a specialist who can tell them what is happening and how to move forward.  Just living with the problem does not make it go away. It actually helps the problem get worse and deeper.

If you aren’t sure if the problem you are wrestling with is adjustable or demands acceptance; or if you don’t know how to accept the unchangeable, get help! Or, come in and let us help you figure it out.
You can reach us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com
 
References:
Gottman, J. (2013) Presentation notes from "When Clients Shutdown: Process and Treatment." Gottman Summit. Seattle, Washington. July 12-13, 2013.

Shapiro, F.R., (April 28, 2014) Who Wrote the Serenity Prayer?, The Chronicle Review.




Copyright © 2017 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Husbands - 5 sec texts count!

 Spoiler alert: this post deals in generalities. Every individual is different, and I will be one of the first to say that many men exhibit the qualities identified as "generally" feminine, while many women exhibit the qualities identified here as "generally" masculine. The idea is to know our differences, work with them, and celebrate them in relationship. Celebrating differences is the basis for this post.

 

My wife is a Marketing Executive who is fond of saying "There are so many little things that cost nothing, or next to nothing, that mean so much to people. It is crazy that companies don't take advantage of ‘the little things’ for their clients and their employees..."

The same applies to building an environment at home that can become a place of peace, relaxation, and re-charging.  One example of a low-cost 'little-thing' is touching base during the workday.

Ladies, men generally see this action very differently from women. See my recent post on "Where are you?" and "Why should I tell you?" for some explanation as to why that might be.

Men, women generally tend to be more connection focused than men, while men tend to be more achievement focused. So men will generally tend to focus on what works - what is most effective; whereas women will generally tend to focus on how the task is accomplished (how it is experienced relationally) in terms of it's impact on those involved and those affected.

Men will tend to go to work, put their head down, get the job done, and avoid any distractions to that end (keep in mind this is a generality, my wife is very good at putting her head into the work and coming up for air some hours later).

Women, in general, like to know they are not alone as they face their days (keep in mind that men do too, to a lesser degree: I still like hearing from my wife during the day).

For a man, the task of 'checking-in' with someone can bring up teen-aged images of calling mom to let her know we aren't misbehaving.  This image can do horrible damage to a peer-trust relationship like marriage.

The best picture I have found to describe what quick touch-points are about for most women is illustrated by a group of soldiers or first-responders entering an unknown location, one hand on their equipment and the other hand on the shoulder of the team-mate in front of them. Having that touch lets the person in front focus on their job, knowing someone has their back.  Another example is a military team going into dangerous territory radio in at regular intervals to let base know all is well. These quick connections, or "pings," are not constant phone connection, or every 2 minutes, which could compromise the mission; but they are every few (2-4) hours during the course of a day.

Sending a text, or a call, or even a quick email, can be that "touch on the shoulder" that comforts your partner that someone is there and has their back. A text of 'heart symbol' and capital 'U" takes 5 seconds (if you type very slowly) and can give so much encouragement to a person who is in the midst of calming the tantrums of a 3 year old, 3 clients, or 3 board members.

I know everyone’s situation is different. If you want more information on how you might develop your home into a place of peace and recuperation, contact our clinic at 469-660-8620, or on line at 
SpiritCounselingTx.com.

Copyright © 2017 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Can Mental Health disorders interfere with hearing healing Messages from the Bible? ----- Or: Can a "Real Christian" have a Mental Health Disorder?

An interesting question was asked at a meeting I attended recently: “How can mental health disorders prevent a person from hearing a healing message from Biblical Scripture, and how might a message from Scripture result in healing?”

As a person who exhibits symptoms currently associated with the DSM-5 diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), my first thoughts were:
“If I am a new creation in Christ, why am I still challenged by the physiological and mental (cognitive) symptoms characterized as ADHD?” 

I mean, if being a “new creation” does not include freedom from the old body, especially the old drives & motivations, then how can I believe the next words “the old has gone, the new is here?!”

Right about now, there may be some readers who are thinking “Is this guy challenging the sufficiency of Scripture to heal?” 

The answer is “No, I do not challenge the power of God's Word.”  

 I do believe, however, that to get answers to the hard questions, believers in a living God need to be willing to ask Him honestly (James 1:5) and without fear (Hebrews 4:16). 

As a therapist, I have worked in many clinics with more than a few people who described their lives and faith in ways that could easily be characterized as “devout.” Believing them to be faithful, I still watched them experience bouts with Anxiety, Depression, Manic episodes, and Psychosis.

So my question was “why do these symptoms persist in spite of their faith in a loving and healing God?”

Of course one does not have to read very far in the Bible to see people identified in Hebrews chapter 11 as “living by faith” whose behaviors might have easily been described as symptomatic of DSM-V diagnoses had the diagnoses existed at the time: Sampson (Anti-Social), Gideon (Anxiety), Jeremiah (Depression), Ezekiel (Psychosis).

Path to Freedom

The shift in thinking for me began when I remembered Jesus’ prayer in John 17:15 asking that His believers be sanctified -- yet “not taken out of the world -- but protected from the evil one.” 

Paul’s illustration of resurrection and the “new body” as similar to the difference between a wheat seed (our current physical bodies) and the wheat plant, which looks very different on the outside and yet is essentially the same on the inside seems to speak to what this might look like.

I began to see that the "old me" (B.C. Luigi: Before Christ, and before the Holy Spirit’s revelation of what “Grace” meant), living in the shell of my current physical body, would berate myself with harsh words when I made a mistake in an effort to achieve "improved behavior" and "obedience" by punishing myself for mental errors (in my case forgetfulness, or missing important cues). 

This striving for perfectionism in my own strength obviously did not work, in fact it only served to make future errors more likely given the added stress & fear of failure. It also made it hard for me to listen to God when he told me He Loves me - how could he love this mess?

Instead, the A.D. “new me” now has a different spirit and mind, but I still live in the same shell  (the same body and brain, the same flesh). Rather than berate myself, this new "Grace Focused" mind works to accept the physical limitations of my flesh, similar to accepting that my current body’s eyes will always require adjustment (glasses). So my physical imperfections are not “new” or "changed," but the spirit living inside this imperfect shell, and the life I experience as a result, are both brand new – full of light and freedom, in Christ & His Love.

My work with clients focuses on helping them, and their loved ones, interact in ways that accept, and even work with, the presence of their "old-self imperfections" without excusing or feeling shamed by undesired outcomes - and then take the next step toward their goals.

If you have felt God's "I Love You"  message seem to bounce off of your ears and not get into your spirit because "perfection" thoughts will not be quiet, come visit us. Let us help you find your way to His Freedom!
You can reach us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2017 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Power versus Control. There is a difference?

Power-Control

These terms can be used interchangeably and yet mean very different things. But what if terms were simple? What if control was simply the ability to directly manipulate an object, through direct force or some other remote-control connection: electrical, pneumatic, hydraulic, etc.  What if power was simply the ability to achieve a desired result? So the question becomes whether the difference in definition can make a difference in relationship.  I believe the answer is "Yes."

When working with couples, I will discuss "the difference between a request and a demand" as the perceived ability or permission to say "no." This discussion is important because it can be difficult to tell the difference, at work or at home, based solely on tone or volume. For example, many demands to perform a task are made at home and at work in a "nice" way so as to sound like a request.  But the true nature of the "demand" is uncovered when the other person declines and the requestor is unwilling to accept an answer of "no." The requestor may even continue to push for "yes" in a "nice" way. Other times, a person can make a request, but because of their forceful personality it may come across as a demand and only after several counseling sessions does the other spouse learn they could have been saying "no" the entire time.

So, I encourage couples not to use the tone of voice as an indicator, but instead watch to see what happens next when they say or hear "no."  When a person hears the word "no" in response to their request, they maintain ownership of their own destiny by considering other options for getting their own needs met.  When a I hear "no" to a request and get furious because "if I can't get my needs met from you, I will suffer," then it is that other person that owns my destiny. In essence, when I make a demand, I relinquish power of what I do next, to that other person.

Please do not read that demands are "bad" and requests are "good." Sometimes it is appropriate to relinquish power. Sometimes it is appropriate to relinquish power; especially if my actions have irreversible or life/death consequences for another person. It can be appropriate for me to offer them some influence over what I might do next. There may also be circumstances when a person does not own or influence the events in their immediate future: prison inmates, adolescents living at home, etc.  Interestingly, even in some of these seemingly powerless situations, some individuals have found a way to remain powerful - think Nelson Mandela.

This issue becomes destructive in relationships when spouses live in a "prison" of their own making because they choose to follow the demands of their spouse without taking their own self-care into consideration. Husbands will relinquish their power just as often as wives. A statement often heard is "I have no power, it's their way or the highway;" not realizing that by making that statement they define their situation in a way that relinquishes the power that they did have, to the other person.

Spiritual Freedom

Power does not reside in the person of whom you make a request. Power resides in the person you expect will be the one to figure out how to meet your needs.

Who a person expects to meet their needs is especially evident when a person hears the word "no."

If the ultimate source for where my needs are met is my god, it can be frightening to consider who and what I am willing to make god over in my life. These god-options generally include: others (which includes one's spouse, the universe, environment, or government, etc.), myself, and God.

When I expect others to meet my needs and others say "no," I will get angry and rail at the injustice.

When I expect myself to meet my needs when others say "no," I look to my own resources: what or whom I have left.

When I expect God to meet my needs and others say "no," I look with anticipation for where God's provision will come next: like unknown others, unexpected resources, or unrealized skills/gifting.

If you are feeling powerless in the situations you find yourself in, and want to find a way to freedom and personal power in relationship, let us help!
You can reach us at:
SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2016 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

What Makes a Good Man? – Responsibility

What if the definition for a value-word like Responsibility was simple?

What if Responsibility generally meant “One with the ability to respond” or “the one with the ability to provide a reason for why a behavior was initiated”.

Too many times this word is used in conjunction with the assignment of fault. “Fault” is another good word to define – it is generally defined as a point of weakness – as in a geological fault where earthquakes can occur.

Unfortunately, because these terms have a relationship, they are used to mean the same thing, even though they are very different: as in “the person who is responsible is the person who is at fault.”

The biggest difference between responsibility and fault as defined above is a relationship of power. The person at fault is the one whose weakness results in undesired outcomes. The person who is responsible for a word or an action is usually the owner of the body doing the speaking and acting – usually in relationship to other humans that are also speaking and acting. When these words are defined this way “fault-finding” results in the surrender of personal power (power over what happened and what happens next) to some other person or force (i.e. the environment, the government, the company). In fault-finding and blame, the individual surrenders the power they have over their life to someone or something else.  In this version of responsibility, each person takes ownership of the words or behaviors they initiated, sometimes regardless of the words and actions of others – thus maintaining their own power over their own lives.

Another term that comes up, when discussing responsibility is “consequence”. While I am not trying to separate “responsibility” from “consequence;” there are in fact consequences for every choice – either positive or negative. Responsibility does not have to be only about negative consequence, looking for “the person to blame;” instead it can be more about choosing one’s consequences, good or bad, as “this is my life and I have power to make it what I choose it to be.” 

Path to Freedom 

In God’s economy we get in trouble when we agree to what we can’t do, do not want to do, or what we intend to do. See Matthew Chapter 5, verses 33-37. From God’s perspective, we are accountable for what we chose to say and do, not what we are expected to do by others, or what another has done. See Acts chapter 5, verses 1-11.

 If “responsibility” were simply the ability to respond, person A would simply state what they did, what happened, and maybe include what they were attempting to achieve in order to be “responsible.” Each person would then state what they did and what happened, retaining full power over what they do next.  This may seem obvious or simplistic.  If it sounds obvious, I propose that many people do not live “responsibly” in that the reasons given for their circumstances are the result of the actions of others or forces beyond their control. If it sounds simplistic, I propose that by adding too many definitions to the word (by making it too complex), the word is loses any meaning.

If you are curious about the idea of how to simplify the expectations on your life – both the ones others put on you and/or the ones you might put on yourself – contact us. We want to help!
Contact us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2016 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

What Makes a Good Man? - Return to Integrity

What if definitions for value-words, like Integrity, were simple? Not easy, just easy to understand. What if Integrity generally meant “an alignment of word and action?”  However, while many of us are taught the importance of keeping one’s word (doing what I said I would do) and honest disclosure (saying/admitting what I have done), what if there is a third, even more important, skill to living out Integrity?  A skill that addresses the question “What do I do when I fail?” called "How-to Return to Integrity."

In the Navy, the term for ships that maintain their purpose of keeping passengers dry is called “watertight integrity.”  When no leaks exist, the promise is kept; any undesired leak, unchecked, could threaten the ship and represents a loss of watertight integrity.  If humans refused to take repair or emergency equipment onto ships and only traveled on vessels guaranteed to never leak (think Titanic) there would be no ocean travel.

Sadly many men live under social rules that don’t align with the reality of being human, like:  “just don’t fail,” “failure is not an option,” or “there is no failure when everyone wins.”  The result of these expectations for men can lead them to believe any mistake is placed into some permanent record as a failure.  From this perspective, even if the final outcome is successful, errors are corrected, and the mistake is fixed, the result is still counted as a failure.  Is it any wonder why some men work so hard to hide or downplay failures?

Path to Freedom

With God there is another option to the Pass/Fail measure for success: Integrity.

In the real world, humans are not perfect.  Rather than expecting people to be something ‘other’ than what they are, under the concept of Integrity the focus would be on creating a plan to repair, and mitigate damage from, failures that will happen.  

This concept is NOT about enabling failure, it is about not allowing failure to define the outcome.  It is still important to only commit to obligations one plans to fulfill, and honestly admit to things done in the past. This “Return to Integrity” skill takes into account the humanity of humans, and then provides a path to return to the freedom of a firm value-based foundation.

Imagine a man told to row a boat to the other side of the lake without experiencing any leaks.  The Pass/Fail measure suggests that once a leak occurs the entire mission has failed, even if the man fixes the leak and makes it to the other side of the lake. Most would say that not fixing the leak and completing the trip would be irresponsible.  The integrity measure would not count how many times he has failed, but that he achieved his committed goal (think Abraham Lincoln).

This concept is NOT about “ends justifying means,” perfection, or enabling “leaky” behaviors.  It IS about taking action to seal life-leaks, and re-seal them until Integrity is regained.  Failure is an option, being human can still bring powerful results! This Key Skill is How-To REGAIN Integrity.

A life focused on Integrity rises above mistakes, and makes every failure an opportunity for new success, even learning more than had one succeeded the first time.  If a more human existence that doesn't excuse failure, but doesn't demand perfection either, sounds interesting to you...

Let us help you find your path to a Return to Integrity.
You can reach us at:
SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2016 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.