Husbands - 5 sec texts count!

 Spoiler alert: this post deals in generalities. Every individual is different, and I will be one of the first to say that many men exhibit the qualities identified as "generally" feminine, while many women exhibit the qualities identified here as "generally" masculine. The idea is to know our differences, work with them, and celebrate them in relationship. Celebrating differences is the basis for this post.

 

My wife is a Marketing Executive who is fond of saying "There are so many little things that cost nothing, or next to nothing, that mean so much to people. It is crazy that companies don't take advantage of ‘the little things’ for their clients and their employees..."

The same applies to building an environment at home that can become a place of peace, relaxation, and re-charging.  One example of a low-cost 'little-thing' is touching base during the workday.

Ladies, men generally see this action very differently from women. See my recent post on "Where are you?" and "Why should I tell you?" for some explanation as to why that might be.

Men, women generally tend to be more connection focused than men, while men tend to be more achievement focused. So men will generally tend to focus on what works - what is most effective; whereas women will generally tend to focus on how the task is accomplished (how it is experienced relationally) in terms of it's impact on those involved and those affected.

Men will tend to go to work, put their head down, get the job done, and avoid any distractions to that end (keep in mind this is a generality, my wife is very good at putting her head into the work and coming up for air some hours later).

Women, in general, like to know they are not alone as they face their days (keep in mind that men do too, to a lesser degree: I still like hearing from my wife during the day).

For a man, the task of 'checking-in' with someone can bring up teen-aged images of calling mom to let her know we aren't misbehaving.  This image can do horrible damage to a peer-trust relationship like marriage.

The best picture I have found to describe what quick touch-points are about for most women is illustrated by a group of soldiers or first-responders entering an unknown location, one hand on their equipment and the other hand on the shoulder of the team-mate in front of them. Having that touch lets the person in front focus on their job, knowing someone has their back.  Another example is a military team going into dangerous territory radio in at regular intervals to let base know all is well. These quick connections, or "pings," are not constant phone connection, or every 2 minutes, which could compromise the mission; but they are every few (2-4) hours during the course of a day.

Sending a text, or a call, or even a quick email, can be that "touch on the shoulder" that comforts your partner that someone is there and has their back. A text of 'heart symbol' and capital 'U" takes 5 seconds (if you type very slowly) and can give so much encouragement to a person who is in the midst of calming the tantrums of a 3 year old, 3 clients, or 3 board members.

I know everyone’s situation is different. If you want more information on how you might develop your home into a place of peace and recuperation, contact our clinic at 469-660-8620, or on line at 
SpiritCounselingTx.com.

Copyright © 2017 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Can Mental Health disorders interfere with hearing healing Messages from the Bible? ----- Or: Can a "Real Christian" have a Mental Health Disorder?

An interesting question was asked at a meeting I attended recently: “How can mental health disorders prevent a person from hearing a healing message from Biblical Scripture, and how might a message from Scripture result in healing?”

As a person who exhibits symptoms currently associated with the DSM-5 diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), my first thoughts were:
“If I am a new creation in Christ, why am I still challenged by the physiological and mental (cognitive) symptoms characterized as ADHD?” 

I mean, if being a “new creation” does not include freedom from the old body, especially the old drives & motivations, then how can I believe the next words “the old has gone, the new is here?!”

Right about now, there may be some readers who are thinking “Is this guy challenging the sufficiency of Scripture to heal?” 

The answer is “No, I do not challenge the power of God's Word.”  

 I do believe, however, that to get answers to the hard questions, believers in a living God need to be willing to ask Him honestly (James 1:5) and without fear (Hebrews 4:16). 

As a therapist, I have worked in many clinics with more than a few people who described their lives and faith in ways that could easily be characterized as “devout.” Believing them to be faithful, I still watched them experience bouts with Anxiety, Depression, Manic episodes, and Psychosis.

So my question was “why do these symptoms persist in spite of their faith in a loving and healing God?”

Of course one does not have to read very far in the Bible to see people identified in Hebrews chapter 11 as “living by faith” whose behaviors might have easily been described as symptomatic of DSM-V diagnoses had the diagnoses existed at the time: Sampson (Anti-Social), Gideon (Anxiety), Jeremiah (Depression), Ezekiel (Psychosis).

Path to Freedom

The shift in thinking for me began when I remembered Jesus’ prayer in John 17:15 asking that His believers be sanctified -- yet “not taken out of the world -- but protected from the evil one.” 

Paul’s illustration of resurrection and the “new body” as similar to the difference between a wheat seed (our current physical bodies) and the wheat plant, which looks very different on the outside and yet is essentially the same on the inside seems to speak to what this might look like.

I began to see that the "old me" (B.C. Luigi: Before Christ, and before the Holy Spirit’s revelation of what “Grace” meant), living in the shell of my current physical body, would berate myself with harsh words when I made a mistake in an effort to achieve "improved behavior" and "obedience" by punishing myself for mental errors (in my case forgetfulness, or missing important cues). 

This striving for perfectionism in my own strength obviously did not work, in fact it only served to make future errors more likely given the added stress & fear of failure. It also made it hard for me to listen to God when he told me He Loves me - how could he love this mess?

Instead, the A.D. “new me” now has a different spirit and mind, but I still live in the same shell  (the same body and brain, the same flesh). Rather than berate myself, this new "Grace Focused" mind works to accept the physical limitations of my flesh, similar to accepting that my current body’s eyes will always require adjustment (glasses). So my physical imperfections are not “new” or "changed," but the spirit living inside this imperfect shell, and the life I experience as a result, are both brand new – full of light and freedom, in Christ & His Love.

My work with clients focuses on helping them, and their loved ones, interact in ways that accept, and even work with, the presence of their "old-self imperfections" without excusing or feeling shamed by undesired outcomes - and then take the next step toward their goals.

If you have felt God's "I Love You"  message seem to bounce off of your ears and not get into your spirit because "perfection" thoughts will not be quiet, come visit us. Let us help you find your way to His Freedom!
You can reach us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2017 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Power versus Control. There is a difference?

Power-Control

These terms can be used interchangeably and yet mean very different things. But what if terms were simple? What if control was simply the ability to directly manipulate an object, through direct force or some other remote-control connection: electrical, pneumatic, hydraulic, etc.  What if power was simply the ability to achieve a desired result? So the question becomes whether the difference in definition can make a difference in relationship.  I believe the answer is "Yes."

When working with couples, I will discuss "the difference between a request and a demand" as the perceived ability or permission to say "no." This discussion is important because it can be difficult to tell the difference, at work or at home, based solely on tone or volume. For example, many demands to perform a task are made at home and at work in a "nice" way so as to sound like a request.  But the true nature of the "demand" is uncovered when the other person declines and the requestor is unwilling to accept an answer of "no." The requestor may even continue to push for "yes" in a "nice" way. Other times, a person can make a request, but because of their forceful personality it may come across as a demand and only after several counseling sessions does the other spouse learn they could have been saying "no" the entire time.

So, I encourage couples not to use the tone of voice as an indicator, but instead watch to see what happens next when they say or hear "no."  When a person hears the word "no" in response to their request, they maintain ownership of their own destiny by considering other options for getting their own needs met.  When a I hear "no" to a request and get furious because "if I can't get my needs met from you, I will suffer," then it is that other person that owns my destiny. In essence, when I make a demand, I relinquish power of what I do next, to that other person.

Please do not read that demands are "bad" and requests are "good." Sometimes it is appropriate to relinquish power. Sometimes it is appropriate to relinquish power; especially if my actions have irreversible or life/death consequences for another person. It can be appropriate for me to offer them some influence over what I might do next. There may also be circumstances when a person does not own or influence the events in their immediate future: prison inmates, adolescents living at home, etc.  Interestingly, even in some of these seemingly powerless situations, some individuals have found a way to remain powerful - think Nelson Mandela.

This issue becomes destructive in relationships when spouses live in a "prison" of their own making because they choose to follow the demands of their spouse without taking their own self-care into consideration. Husbands will relinquish their power just as often as wives. A statement often heard is "I have no power, it's their way or the highway;" not realizing that by making that statement they define their situation in a way that relinquishes the power that they did have, to the other person.

Spiritual Freedom

Power does not reside in the person of whom you make a request. Power resides in the person you expect will be the one to figure out how to meet your needs.

Who a person expects to meet their needs is especially evident when a person hears the word "no."

If the ultimate source for where my needs are met is my god, it can be frightening to consider who and what I am willing to make god over in my life. These god-options generally include: others (which includes one's spouse, the universe, environment, or government, etc.), myself, and God.

When I expect others to meet my needs and others say "no," I will get angry and rail at the injustice.

When I expect myself to meet my needs when others say "no," I look to my own resources: what or whom I have left.

When I expect God to meet my needs and others say "no," I look with anticipation for where God's provision will come next: like unknown others, unexpected resources, or unrealized skills/gifting.

If you are feeling powerless in the situations you find yourself in, and want to find a way to freedom and personal power in relationship, let us help!
You can reach us at:
SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2016 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

What Makes a Good Man? – Responsibility

What if the definition for a value-word like Responsibility was simple?

What if Responsibility generally meant “One with the ability to respond” or “the one with the ability to provide a reason for why a behavior was initiated”.

Too many times this word is used in conjunction with the assignment of fault. “Fault” is another good word to define – it is generally defined as a point of weakness – as in a geological fault where earthquakes can occur.

Unfortunately, because these terms have a relationship, they are used to mean the same thing, even though they are very different: as in “the person who is responsible is the person who is at fault.”

The biggest difference between responsibility and fault as defined above is a relationship of power. The person at fault is the one whose weakness results in undesired outcomes. The person who is responsible for a word or an action is usually the owner of the body doing the speaking and acting – usually in relationship to other humans that are also speaking and acting. When these words are defined this way “fault-finding” results in the surrender of personal power (power over what happened and what happens next) to some other person or force (i.e. the environment, the government, the company). In fault-finding and blame, the individual surrenders the power they have over their life to someone or something else.  In this version of responsibility, each person takes ownership of the words or behaviors they initiated, sometimes regardless of the words and actions of others – thus maintaining their own power over their own lives.

Another term that comes up, when discussing responsibility is “consequence”. While I am not trying to separate “responsibility” from “consequence;” there are in fact consequences for every choice – either positive or negative. Responsibility does not have to be only about negative consequence, looking for “the person to blame;” instead it can be more about choosing one’s consequences, good or bad, as “this is my life and I have power to make it what I choose it to be.” 

Path to Freedom 

In God’s economy we get in trouble when we agree to what we can’t do, do not want to do, or what we intend to do. See Matthew Chapter 5, verses 33-37. From God’s perspective, we are accountable for what we chose to say and do, not what we are expected to do by others, or what another has done. See Acts chapter 5, verses 1-11.

 If “responsibility” were simply the ability to respond, person A would simply state what they did, what happened, and maybe include what they were attempting to achieve in order to be “responsible.” Each person would then state what they did and what happened, retaining full power over what they do next.  This may seem obvious or simplistic.  If it sounds obvious, I propose that many people do not live “responsibly” in that the reasons given for their circumstances are the result of the actions of others or forces beyond their control. If it sounds simplistic, I propose that by adding too many definitions to the word (by making it too complex), the word is loses any meaning.

If you are curious about the idea of how to simplify the expectations on your life – both the ones others put on you and/or the ones you might put on yourself – contact us. We want to help!
Contact us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2016 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

What Makes a Good Man? - Return to Integrity

What if definitions for value-words, like Integrity, were simple? Not easy, just easy to understand. What if Integrity generally meant “an alignment of word and action?”  However, while many of us are taught the importance of keeping one’s word (doing what I said I would do) and honest disclosure (saying/admitting what I have done), what if there is a third, even more important, skill to living out Integrity?  A skill that addresses the question “What do I do when I fail?” called "How-to Return to Integrity."

In the Navy, the term for ships that maintain their purpose of keeping passengers dry is called “watertight integrity.”  When no leaks exist, the promise is kept; any undesired leak, unchecked, could threaten the ship and represents a loss of watertight integrity.  If humans refused to take repair or emergency equipment onto ships and only traveled on vessels guaranteed to never leak (think Titanic) there would be no ocean travel.

Sadly many men live under social rules that don’t align with the reality of being human, like:  “just don’t fail,” “failure is not an option,” or “there is no failure when everyone wins.”  The result of these expectations for men can lead them to believe any mistake is placed into some permanent record as a failure.  From this perspective, even if the final outcome is successful, errors are corrected, and the mistake is fixed, the result is still counted as a failure.  Is it any wonder why some men work so hard to hide or downplay failures?

Path to Freedom

With God there is another option to the Pass/Fail measure for success: Integrity.

In the real world, humans are not perfect.  Rather than expecting people to be something ‘other’ than what they are, under the concept of Integrity the focus would be on creating a plan to repair, and mitigate damage from, failures that will happen.  

This concept is NOT about enabling failure, it is about not allowing failure to define the outcome.  It is still important to only commit to obligations one plans to fulfill, and honestly admit to things done in the past. This “Return to Integrity” skill takes into account the humanity of humans, and then provides a path to return to the freedom of a firm value-based foundation.

Imagine a man told to row a boat to the other side of the lake without experiencing any leaks.  The Pass/Fail measure suggests that once a leak occurs the entire mission has failed, even if the man fixes the leak and makes it to the other side of the lake. Most would say that not fixing the leak and completing the trip would be irresponsible.  The integrity measure would not count how many times he has failed, but that he achieved his committed goal (think Abraham Lincoln).

This concept is NOT about “ends justifying means,” perfection, or enabling “leaky” behaviors.  It IS about taking action to seal life-leaks, and re-seal them until Integrity is regained.  Failure is an option, being human can still bring powerful results! This Key Skill is How-To REGAIN Integrity.

A life focused on Integrity rises above mistakes, and makes every failure an opportunity for new success, even learning more than had one succeeded the first time.  If a more human existence that doesn't excuse failure, but doesn't demand perfection either, sounds interesting to you...

Let us help you find your path to a Return to Integrity.
You can reach us at:
SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2016 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

What Makes a Good Man?

I recently watched a movie with Robert De Niro and about a 70 year old man who accepts an intern job at an e-commerce company start up. At one point in the movie the owner of the company played by Anne Hathaway asked what I thought was a powerful and important question: ‘When did men stop being men?’  To answer this question, many have pointed to changes in the social definition of a "good man" that occurred during the feminist movement in the 1970's and 80's which focused on "power dynamics" in relationships between couples and throughout society.

While adjustments to post-war male-female interaction dynamics were needed, there were virtues lost in the change. The old system attempted to force women into roles that were strict even by Biblical standards (see Proverbs 31) after they had experienced expanded roles during WWII. Terms like "sexist" and "male chauvinist pig" were used to discourage those that would discount women simply because they were women. 

Unfortunately these terms began to be used to de-value general masculine traits in men. Acts of respect and deference like opening doors for women were viewed as degrading.  Replacement behaviors for "how to" respect women were not available except for a ‘general stipulation’ to treat women as "equals." 

In recent posts I have outlined ways in which men and women will use the same language to communicate very different concepts. The statement "treat women as equals" is one example: to a woman the statement will likely mean "treat a women as a women with equal opportunities and equal pay;” whereas to a man this statements likely means "treat women like men."  While there are similarities in the results of these two efforts, they are quite different, with different results.

Consider the old system’s extreme dynamics of the man telling the woman "I will tell you what to do so we can be happy" as compared with the new system dynamics of the man telling the woman "Just tell me what you want me to do so we can be happy." The first relational dynamic is similar to a Father/Daughter interaction while the second dynamic is similar to a Mother/Son interaction. Both social narratives have similar goals and outcomes: to please and not upset the other spouse, resulting in one or both feeling controlled and unsatisfied. So, what’s the alternative?

Path to Freedom

One alternative is to have both follow a third member in the relationship – God. When both spouses are attuned to what God wants them to do in order for them to be happy, the dynamic between husband and wife is one of equals in service to a Superior. The answer to the question “which one of us is in charge” becomes “God.”

Oddly I have had many clients tell me “what makes a good man is one who follows God.” Meaning a man who will be willing to make his wife mad in order to make God (not himself) happy, rather than risk making God mad in order to make his wife happy.

The qualifier to both Husbands and Wives in this dynamic is to beware of asking for selfish gain while using “God said” in order to get it – God has a history of not liking when people use His name in vain. Husbands, if you doubt this – ask your wife!

If you don’t know how, let us help!
You can reach us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com


Copyright © 2016 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Which is more important - What I do? or Who I am?

In an election year there are often debates on which is more important: character or ability. In other words do the ends justify the means; is it more important for the candidate prove their ability to produce results, or to prove the way they achieve results are ethical and moral?

While it is likely this controversy will go on for many elections to come, what is certain is that in a life-long relationship, Character (values that guide how one’s life-partner goes about accomplishing a goal) matters a great deal.  Many times in counseling sessions, a therapist will hear: “it’s not what they said… it was how they said it that tells me what they really meant.”

Unfortunately, what is being depicted in media, at work, and reflected in many relationships, is that Americans may be losing the art of connecting at a Character level, or what I will call a “Person-Focused” level. Today’s society appears to encourage performance based relationships. Many television shows and other electronic media portray couples living together because of resources (like wealth), or skills (good in bed), or body features (broad shoulders or nice legs).  At best, the environment in a home built on these types of connections is characterized by boredom, silence, deadness, and pleasure-seeking. Worst case, these connections can breed fault finding and blame avoidance, and anxiety or depression due to inability to meet perfectionistic goals and expectations

Why is this a problem? Because “performance” based connections are exhausting, they don’t last as long, and ultimately don’t satisfy either of the participants.  Whereas “person-focused” connections are life-long, constantly growing, and result in satisfaction in the smallest events.

Like many relationship topics, this one is easiest to see in the context of conflict. Many times conflict goes wrong when we demand that our spouse appreciate what we do – when what we really want is to be appreciated and valued and accepted for being who we are. 

For example: a husband or wife expresses dis-satisfaction with ‘the marriage.’ The most common reactions from the spouse receiving the complaint is to either list all of the times and ways they did the very thing being complained about, or list reasons why the complaint is unreasonable and should be disregarded altogether.  In a Person-Focused relationship the receiving spouse begins by retelling “the story of their commitment to each other,” meaning they begin with the end goal that both have committed to build and work toward. They remind each other who their spouse is to them, who they have committed to be in their spouse’s lives, and what the relationship can be when they work together. If this description sounds more like fantasy than reality, I invite you to come in and let us show you how it is possible.

Pathway to Freedom:

Connection based on performance, skills or fulfilling the other person’s expectations, is a business contract at best.  God designed relationships to be something different: connections between people (Characters, Beings), not simply skills or roles that are advantageous to both participants. In Person-Focused relationships, spouses do more than praise, appreciate, and acknowledge the achievements of the other; they love and accept their spouse as they are, for Who they are – the good, the bad, and the ugly. The contribution they have is not in what they do, or don’t do, but what each moment is like when both are present, experiencing them together.

Person-focused couples commit to each other because they are committed to valuing the other person, and committed to not allow either to be devalued (Ripley & Worthington, 2014), even when the spouse is “acting like a jerk.” This does not mean accepting disrespectful or physically harmful acts. It does mean standing up for one’s self in a way that respects self, other, and God. These relationships are characterized by devotion, joy, and pleasure even in the smallest things.

If you want more information on how to have a Love relationship, rather than a contract agreement, let us help you find the path toward that new adventure.
You can reach us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

References:

Ripley, J. S., & Worthington, E. (2014). Couple Therapy: A new hope-focused approach. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press. ISBN: 9780830828579

Copyright © 2016 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.