I often write about male and female communication
differences based on research on physical, educational, and psychological
differences (same brain neural areas, different sizes, make for different
processing strengths for each). From a theological standpoint I believe God
made man and woman differently but loves them equally - at the same
immeasurable level.
The conclusion I have come to from reading multiple research
outcomes is that men and women communicate differently - NOT that one is better
than the other, only that they are different. Attempting to approach intimate
conversations without being aware of those differences, or pretending they
don’t exist, makes communication harder than it has to be – which exhausts both
participants until they have no energy left.
I am often asked for examples. Here is one
difference/translation-required example that I have observed in many sessions.
The example below is used for illustrative purposes so it has several generalizations – please do not be offended. If this
difference does not describe you, then your relationship is probably at a
higher level of intimacy than most. If it is not, there may be other
translation examples in your relationship that you may want to explore with a
therapist:
Example 1: A Husband asks his Wife “I’m thinking of doing X,
is it do-able?”
Wife thinks Husband is informing her of a decision he has
already made and asking her if she can handle the consequences. (In session,
the husband would begin to shake his head here saying “but that’s not what I
meant”). Based on the prevailing female narrative that suggests a successful woman
needs to be capable of handling everything while not breaking a sweat, the wife
will reply: “yep we can handle that.”
She might think (and not say out loud): “by stretching our
already frayed resources and time to their absolute limits.”
Husband thinks “Great, she is on board with this decision!”
Wife gets mad because Husband does things without
considering her.
Husband is confused and says “I asked, and you said it was
ok so I assumed you were in agreement.”
Wife says “that’s not what you asked!”
Both begin to argue about what words were actually used, and
their circular arguments begin.
Part of the problem is in the way humans communicate. We regularly
give partial messages for expediency and expect that the other person to fill
in the gaps in the way we expected them to. The receiving spouse will even say
“yes I understand” (wives often
hear this statement from their husbands and reply “no you don’t”) – because they
understand what they think the other
person is saying – not what the other person is actually saying.
What is unclear is if the message they understand is the
same one the sender was intending to communicate. This is not a problem in male communication or female
communication – one is NOT better than the other. It happens when couples have
to cross the language border because the way men and women use language is truly different.
A good family therapist can help with translation, usually
by encouraging each spouse to fill in the gaps. Many times I will hear spouses
argue: “I shouldn’t have to give details, my spouse should know how hard I work
to make our home a good place to live.” I believe that when stress levels
between loving spouses is low, they will observe and acknowledge each other for
all the work they do; but, when stress is high (over 100 heartbeats/min), our
brains move into a fight/flight mode that makes normal observations difficult.
What is the Path to Peace? Couples can start by filling in
the gaps:
Husband: “I’m thinking about doing X and I want your input 'before' I make a decision. What do you think?”
Wife: Are you asking me if it is possible, or are you asking
for my thoughts on whether we should do it?”
If you are interested in learning how to translate what your
spouse has been saying we are here to help. Contact us here at Spirit Counseling Centers:
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