Who's to Blame?

I was recently in Vegas on business.
While I saw many things I wish I could un-see, there was one thing I had a hard time letting go of.  The sidewalks were crowded, music playing, rowdiness, some drunkenness, and in the midst of it all was a person with a bull horn and a sign warning of God's judgement to come.

At the time I was upset, but not sure why. After some thought I realized that I don't think it is totally fair to blame God for the guilt and resentment we feel. We humans blame ourselves all the time (John 3:20-21), we don't have to wait for what's to come. The person getting drunk and waking up in their own vomit knows this is not the way they want to live. The person who is the subject of the internet posted video of themselves falling off the barstool for no reason doesn't like the image of everyone around them laughing; Unfortunately the judgments are couched in rationalizations like "that's the way life is," "life is hard and I deserve a break," or "that's just what I have to do to have friends."

I realized that the reason I was upset was that the only thing accomplished by threatening others in their shame with the judgement of God is to entrench them as enemies of God. Jesus did confront others in their sin, but He saved the judgmental confrontations for religious leaders who thought they were doing God's will, when they were actually working against His purposes and hurting the people Jesus wanted to reach (Matthew 23:13-36).

We humans already judge ourselves by our own scales: people commit suicide (death penalty) because they feel their life has no purpose; or because they have reached the top of the power or fame ladder and realize their spirit still feels empty.

The message of Christ is "God Loves you... yes even YOU!  Unfortunately many try all the other options first and experience lives of unnecessary pain, convincing themselves "I guess life is just one painful event after another."

In an interview broadcast on WAY-FM (4/17/19:6:45am heard in Dallas Texas on 89.7FM) Kathy Lee Gifford described a conversation she had with another celebrity who professed an agnostic or atheist faith. When asked "why do you love us?  I'm a bad guy." Kathy replied "Your are not bad, just confused. I love you because God loves you, and He loves you more than you could ever know!"  What a GREAT response!

Yes, people need to hear the whole message of the Gospel. Christian faith does believe that people die and go to Hell if they reject God's offer of life in Jesus Christ; but that condemnation is not the result of God's desire (2Peter 3:9) but rather the human's own choices based on the human's own choices (James 1:13-15). Jesus did not come to judge the world. He didn't have to. When a person says "there is no God" or "I chose my own way into heaven over God's way" - they judge themselves (John 3:17, 5:45, & 12:47-48). It's kind of like a death-row inmate rejecting the Governor's pardon. In that situation is the Governor really responsible for their death?

What if the standard Christian message to everyone is "God LOVES you. He wants you to come home to Him. God doesn't send us to Hell... we do, by pushing Him, and His love offer of pardon and freedom, away.

Just something to think about.
What are your thoughts?

If you want help exploring God's love for you in your life, I am happy to help!
Contact us here at Spirit Christian Counseling Centers: 
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Learning how to drive at 55...

Ok, I am really 59 years old, 

and God is teaching me how to drive a car.

I didn’t just wake up from a coma, nor do I live in New York. I grew up in a generation that wanted to drive as soon as we could, and I I have been driving a car for more than 40 years. 

But recently, God has invited me to something I find rather amazing, and driving back and forth to home and work hasn’t been the same since.  I actually have a great commute!

In my work I am blessed with the opportunity to work with Scripture. I have been working many years suggesting to clients that a verse, Matthew 15:17-18, could suggest that what a person does or says describes their self… and no other.

 “Do you not understand that everything that goes into the mouth passes into the stomach, and is eliminated?  But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man.”

In other words… it is not what words are forced on us, what actions are forced on us, that defile us. Only the things we say, and the things we do, in response, define who we are.  Those things others have done to us - as horrible as they have been - defined them… NOT us!

So what does this have to do with driving? 

I am driving down the road and God says “get in the slow lane and set the cruise control.” I see up ahead one person in the slow lane going 65 (on a 70mph highway) and another car right next to them doing the same speed. I can feel the heat begin to rise. I tell God “why do they do that! They are doing the same speed! Get in the same lane! Why hinder traffic! (which actually means “why hinder me!”).   God said stay calm. Let them do what they are going to do, you focus on what you are doing. By the time I caught up to them, the right lane person exited, clearing the path ahead of me. In my mind I felt relieved of some hidden stress.

Later this big truck pulls right in front of me, as he crossed 3 lanes of moving traffic to get to the exit lane to our right! I immediately began yelling about how that truck has interfered with this thing God was trying to teach me, and how the truck driver should have gone to the next exit, and what was he thinking crossing multiple lanes of moving traffic endangering everyone!

God told me “You spend a lot of energy trying to drive everyone else’s car. Its like you bring them into the courtroom of your mind, and have found him guilty of traffic safety violations, have sentenced him, and are angry at yourself for not having the power to enforce your sentence on him. If you got his license, report him. If not, keep moving. He is likely to lose the gifts he has been given, or not. Either way that is his life. Focus on yours.”

The rest of the trip was me reciting this mantra: “you do what you do, I will do what I will do.”

Of course the mantra isn’t the point, and this article is not on “how to get home in one peace.” What I learned was how easy it is to be distracted by everything around me; and by letting it go, how easy it is to spend time with God in a peace that goes way beyond understanding.

Now I get, some of you might respond to this by saying “that’s just naive - grow up old man!” But, I have been driving to and from home at peace in rush-hour traffic the last week! Can you say the same about your commute?

If you want help if figuring out how to get to this peace in the midst of chaos, I am happy to help!
Contact us here at Spirit Christian Counseling Centers: 
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Male / Female Differences #5 - Words might be the same, Meanings are NOT

I want to close out this series of discussions with this idea:
that while most couples use similar words to communicate what they are thinking, the meanings that are taken from the words we use can be Very different from what we were trying to say.
Research seems to suggest that gender plays a role in the differences: Male communications, especially written, will tend to focus on differences - how one concept is different from the other. Female language will tend to focus on how issues are similar or what they have in common. These research outcomes do not, however, fully explain the common communication difference between husbands and wives that I notice often in session; and I have to admit that I suspect this month's Male/Female difference may have more to do with cultural language used by men and women, than it has to do with physiological or linguistic gender differences.

The important idea to take from this post has less to do with "gender differences" than it hast to do with the idea that what each spouse hears is VERY likely NOT what their spouse intended to say; and many times spouses end up arguing "My interpretation of what you said is what you meant - don't try to deny it or change it now that I'm mad!"

For Example:
Wife: "I have told you the same thing a hundred times!"
Where another woman would likely reply with "You're right, I must be missing your point" the husband likely hears something similar to "You must be an idiot to not understand this simple idea" -
Which in this case is not what the wife is trying to communicate.

The husband likely feels attacked (because if another man used the same words the meaning would be that he is being called an idiot); as a result, he is likely to try and defend himself.
Husband: "I am not an idiot."
Wife: "That is not what I meant."
Husband: "What else could that mean?"
Wife: "I just wanted you to know this is not the first time I have mentioned this issue, and I am beginning to wonder if you are simply not listening on purpose."
Husband: "So my choices are I am an idiot, or I'm a jerk."
Wife: "I never said any of those words."
Husband: "You don't have to, I heard your meaning loud and clear!"
Both are frustrated.

He does not realize that his wife is using words differently than another man would. As a result it is difficult for the husband to hear the wife's message: "You are not hearing me. If you can't hear me when I talk, then how can I ever be safe? If you can't hear me when I talk, how will you hear me when I cry out about something more important? If my words are not heard, then I am invisible, not valued, or worse - in danger."

Instead he hears: "You are apparently incapable of normal human understanding - no matter how many times and how many ways the information is presented - you are just too stupid to be able to take it in."

Pathway to Freedom
The most difficult thing to do is to listen for what the other spouse means, rather than solely focusing on the exact words they used. This is difficult because the moment our brains decode the message we think we heard, there is an immediate emotional response.  The presence of that emotional response makes it difficult to set that emotion (anger, fear, hurt, lonely, etc) aside long enough to make sure what we heard is what they were trying to communicate.
One key behavior a good therapist will discuss with couples is simply pausing before responding. Sometimes just taking a breath, or ever the sage advice of "counting to ten" will work. Then a person can respond with a desire to understand and learn about their spouse, rather than feel they have to defend against them like an enemy.
Of course when the pain has built up over years, this simple behavior needs to be supported with other, more sophisticated, tools.  Couples can expect to get these tools from a good family/couples therapist.

If you need help hearing the love in your spouses heart rather than the hurtfulness in their words, or help in communicating the love in your own heart, we would love to help. Contact us here at Spirit Christian Counseling Centers: 
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com



Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Male and Female Communication Differences - Example 4 "That's not what I meant..."

One of the hardest tasks I have as a counselor working with couples, is to help them realize that what they think their spouse is saying is NOT what their spouse is actually trying to communicate.
Male communications are generally task focused - efficient resolution of issues or achievement of desired goals;
where as female communications are generally pattern focused - outcome experience of a goal, or event.
These two different ways of seeing the same event, left untranslated, can make conflict more painful than it has to be; as illustrated in the following example:

Husband: I didn’t mean it the way you heard it.
Wife: thank you for the apology.
Husband: well, we could have saved a lot of time & pain had you just remembered
that I would never have said something like that.
Wife: so, your blaming me for being hurt? You had no part in it at all?!
When I told you what you said that hurt me, you got mad... I am not sorry that I was hurt!
H: Yes, if you had remembered who I am, or just asked me what I meant, we would not be fighting.
W: who you are right now is someone who doesn't care whether I'm hurting or not... Is that what you want me to remember?

The husband in this case is focused on the efficiency of resolving the problem - “the sooner I am made aware of the problem, the sooner I can fix it.” However, the wife in this case is focused on how the pain felt when it was experienced. Much like a spouse slamming a door on your finger - the first thing most people will think of is how to make the pain stop rather than how silly it was to not move my finger, or why they didn’t notice my finger before closing the door in the first place. The pain was the result of a true accident - not intentional on either person’s part; but the pain demands to be addressed, before embarking on an analysis of the accident.

Path to peace

Both must realize that the first natural response is not the only feelings they have. Just because this husband responded with “how to prevent pain in the future” does not mean he does not care about the wife’s pain in the moment. The fact that he wants to prevent pain means there is some caring; it just means his empathy comes after observation.
Just because this wife is focused on the pain experience does not mean she is not reasonable - the fact that she is trying to have a conversation means she is reasonable. In that moment she is in need of empathy, and reason comes after the pain has subsided, addressed, or at least recognized.

In critical moments, research suggests that both spouses are likely to respond out of reflex rather than reason. A good therapist will work with both to pause and take a breath before responding.
Attempting to defend a reputation and pride at this point may not be worth the damage it causes to the relationship, try empathy first. Giving permission to the other person to be hurt, or angry, by what they heard (which will be different from what was said) will go farther than defensiveness from feeling offended by what your spouse’s words might mean about you.

Focusing on reducing the pain before discussing the misunderstanding. Pausing before responding can be a powerful healing tool. It develops trust in partners, especially those that struggle with anxiety in relationships. For example:

Husband: I am sorry you were hurt by what I said. I understand how you would be hurt by what you heard; and I understand how what I said could be heard that way. The message you heard was not what I intended or meant, but we can talk about that later. Right now, I want you to know that I love you, and I'm sorry you are hurting. What can I do?

Does this mean reputation should be ignored? Absolutely not! Reputation is what gives our words credibility when we say “I did not mean my original statement the way you took it, I’m sorry it came across that way, I don’t ever want to hurt you like that.” Credibility and reputation give the other person confidence that when they ask you what you really meant, that the real meaning will make sense and they can trust that you didn’t make it up after the fact.

The point is not that we will never hurt each other; but that when we do get hurt in an accident or misunderstanding, the pain will be respected and healed - even if it was an accidental slamming my finger in the door.

If this “trust to heal the injury” doesn’t exist in your relationship, come see us, we’d like to help. Contact us here at Spirit Christian Counseling Centers:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com



Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Male and Female Communication Differences - Example 3

A big part of communication is not only how we express ourselves, but how we listen. Research has suggested one of the differences between the way women and men listen is that women tend to listen for patterns, how separate topics are related to each other; where as men tend to listen for how topics differ or are unique from one another. In this way, men are like builders - selecting the right materials to use to complete a task from hundreds of options; where as women are like weavers - talking the many options of color and texture and weave them into a cohesive whole.
This is not to say that men and women are unable to recognize or achieve both similarities and differences; it just means that each gender tends to observe one approach naturally, and generally needs to work at seeing the other.

This translates loosely to a rule of thumb: women will generally listen for patterns, men will generally listen for individual tasks. In this way both could listen to each other regarding the same facts about the same event, and still get into an argument that leaves both saying "You aren't listening to me!"
To illustrate this difference I'll use the conversation topic: "I want you to value me."

Wife says: "You don't value my input."
Husband (task focus) hears: 'I'm doing something wrong'
(which is Not what she is trying to communicate).

Husband says: "What do you mean? I respect your input"
(He probably doesn't realize he has changed the word "value" to "respect" which easily could change the meaning of her message.)
Husband goes on to give several examples of how he has respected her input in the past... Individual task examples of how he has achieved the task he thinks she is suggesting he is failing at.

Wife hears the examples, which to her translates to: "You have no idea what you are talking about"
(which is Not what he is trying to communicate.)
Wife says: "You're missing the point."

Husband hears: "Your listening wrong." (which is still not her point)
Husband (with confused look on his face) says: Ok, what do you want me to do? How do you want me to respect you?

Wife gives three examples.
Husband does the first example and says "There, I did it, you happy now?"
Wife responds: "You're still missing the point; and it doesn't mean anything if you do it because I told you to."
Husband is now more confused, and is now frustrated because his efforts, while successful, are not achieving the desired "satisfaction with his effort" response from his wife.

Husband asks for clarification.
Wife give 3 additional examples (because more examples increases the chances that husband will be able to identify the pattern - which would be accurate if he were a woman.)

Unfortunately Husband does not think in "patterns"
Husband (task focused) hears a list of new tasks to accomplish (which is still not what she means). Husband says: "Wait, now you're changing the target and giving me 3 more things I have to do, this is a moving target, you are never satisfied, I give up!
Both are frustrated.

Path to Peace:
The issue in this example is NOT that that husband doesn't care enough to give his wife what she needs; AND the issue is NOT that the wife is ficke and will never be satisfied.  The problem is that they are hearing two completely different messages, even though they are using the exact same words.
A good therapist will work to help each spouse listen for the message the other person is trying to communicate, sometimes in spite of the words they are using.  Sometimes just knowing there is a difference in male and female communications makes a difference. For example - knowing about the difference might change the way both spouses engage with each other.

The wife might be able to tell her husband:
"I am looking for a pattern in the way you behave with me.  I can give you specific examples, but I don't want you to necessarily do the examples, I want you to understand the pattern, so you can come up with examples of your own."

If the husband can change his thinking to understand his job is identifying the pattern, then the examples are not as overwhelming - because he now just has to focus on the one pattern, rather than each of the 15 examples.
The wife might also keep in mind to give her husband a couple of examples, not as many as she can think of.
For example:
If she says she doesn't like how he spends all his time with family when they come over, or goes to spend time with the guys at parties, or goes off to get 2-3 items on the grocery list rather than shopping with her, he might be able to identify the pattern of "you want me to spend time next to you when we go places." He might even come up with his own ideas for activities they can do together - like learning to dance.

If you are interested in learning how to translate what your spouse has been saying, we are here to help. Contact us here at Spirit Christian Counseling Centers:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Male and Female Communication Differences - Example 2

Example #2 - How to compliment your mate.

Mother's Day is this month, so I thought I would look at make and female differences with regard to complements and support.  Many have heard about the 12 Love Languages (1995), a book by Gary Chapman. The book can be very helpful, and although the languages have little to do with male and female differences, I mention it to illustrate that while there are gender differences discussed in these posts, there are many language differences beyond gender that make our communications, lives, and relationships "interesting."
So, as in other posts in this series, please keep in mind that these observations and thoughts incorporate HUGE generalizations. My hope in writing these articles is to highlight the male/female differences to make it possible for couples to address them individually; hopefully resolving a few of the obstacles that can play an influential role in the development of communication problems.

The difficulty with these gender language differences is that they are not easy to spot without an example. For this post I will use a statement I have heard many times from both husbands and wives about feeling respected and valued: "I want to be seen as capable."

In the above sentence Men would generally focus on the word "capable." In the Bible (Genesis 3:17), men are cures in their ability to achieve results: work will be done by the sweat of their brow, weeds will come up instead of fruit, men will die, and all they build will turn to dust.  As a result of being cursed in their "ability to achieve" men are generally sensitive to being regarded as "capable."

Women, in general, might focus on the word "seen."  The curse on women (Genesis 3:15) is very different. Women generally experience their pain in relationships (childbirth) and in their position as bridge person between the previous, the present and future generations. Part of the second half of the curse is feeling "ruled over" by men.  Socially, that "feeling" has been a reality throughout history, and in many ways, in many cultures, it still is.

So, the conversation might look like this:
Wife: "This guy at work is a pompous jerk. Anytime I make a contribution at our team meetings he says, 'uh huh' and 'as I was saying...' He totally ignores my contribution and changes the subject before I can say anything.  I go to confront him and he patronizes me saying 'now, now, that's not what I am trying to do. If you're going to be in this business you're gonna have to get a thicker skin."

Husband, wanting to help and defend her, but thinking from a "capability" model, says:  "Here's what you need to do.  Next time he tries to blow you off, just ignore him and what he thinks. Talk over him if you have to. I know you can do that, you do that to me all the time." (Husband smiles, thinking he has solved "the problem")

Wife (now furious) says: "So basically you are saying I need thicker skin?!! Do you have any idea how I feel when I have been fighting this problem for months, and you think you solved it in 30 seconds?! And what do you mean I don't listen to you - you aren't even listening to me!!!

Husband (now confused) says: "I heard everything you said! What do you mean I'm not listening?"

Path to peace:
For most husbands, a complement requires a comment on her confidence in his capability or achievement - 'knowing what to DO, and HOW to do it.'
For many wives, a complement needs to communicate the message "I see you, and understand it must be difficult to be you in that situation."  This can often include the husband speaking his observations out loud, verbally communicating his confidence in her, or to brag about the difference and value his wife brings to his life and the lives around her - letting her know she is "seen" and not invisible.

The husband, in this case, wants to go and defend his wife, possibly talk over the man who would disrespect his wife that way.
Rather than tell her to do what he wants to do, he might translate his desire into empathy - what it must have been like to be her in that moment:
"Wow, you must have been furious. If someone did that to me I would have been really pissed! Especially because I know your ideas are really good! How many times have or clients told you they want you on their projects specifically because of the input you provide!"

Husbands are often confused that this response would help - generally because it does not "address the presenting problem." The response does, however, address her presenting problem - hence the need for translation.

If you are interested in learning how to translate what you want to say to your spouse, in ways he or she can hear the messages, we are here to help.  Contact us here at Spirit Christian Counseling Centers: www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Male / Female Communication Differences - Example 1

I often write about male and female communication differences based on research on physical, educational, and psychological differences (same brain neural areas, different sizes, make for different processing strengths for each). From a theological standpoint I believe God made man and woman differently but loves them equally - at the same immeasurable level.

The conclusion I have come to from reading multiple research outcomes is that men and women communicate differently - NOT that one is better than the other, only that they are different. Attempting to approach intimate conversations without being aware of those differences, or pretending they don’t exist, makes communication harder than it has to be – which exhausts both participants until they have no energy left.

I am often asked for examples. Here is one difference/translation-required example that I have observed in many sessions. The example below is used for illustrative purposes so it has several generalizations – please do not be offended. If this difference does not describe you, then your relationship is probably at a higher level of intimacy than most. If it is not, there may be other translation examples in your relationship that you may want to explore with a therapist:

Example 1: A Husband asks his Wife “I’m thinking of doing X, is it do-able?”

Wife thinks Husband is informing her of a decision he has already made and asking her if she can handle the consequences. (In session, the husband would begin to shake his head here saying “but that’s not what I meant”). Based on the prevailing female narrative that suggests a successful woman needs to be capable of handling everything while not breaking a sweat, the wife will reply: “yep we can handle that.”

She might think (and not say out loud): “by stretching our already frayed resources and time to their absolute limits.”

Husband thinks “Great, she is on board with this decision!”

Wife gets mad because Husband does things without considering her.

Husband is confused and says “I asked, and you said it was ok so I assumed you were in agreement.”

Wife says “that’s not what you asked!”

Both begin to argue about what words were actually used, and their circular arguments begin.

Part of the problem is in the way humans communicate. We regularly give partial messages for expediency and expect that the other person to fill in the gaps in the way we expected them to. The receiving spouse will even say “yes I understand”  (wives often hear this statement from their husbands and reply “no you don’t”) – because they understand what they think the other person is saying – not what the other person is actually saying.

What is unclear is if the message they understand is the same one the sender was intending to communicate.  This is not a problem in male communication or female communication – one is NOT better than the other. It happens when couples have to cross the language border because the way men and women use language is truly different.

A good family therapist can help with translation, usually by encouraging each spouse to fill in the gaps. Many times I will hear spouses argue: “I shouldn’t have to give details, my spouse should know how hard I work to make our home a good place to live.” I believe that when stress levels between loving spouses is low, they will observe and acknowledge each other for all the work they do; but, when stress is high (over 100 heartbeats/min), our brains move into a fight/flight mode that makes normal observations difficult.

What is the Path to Peace? Couples can start by filling in the gaps:

Husband: “I’m thinking about doing X and I want your input 'before' I make a decision. What do you think?”

Wife: Are you asking me if it is possible, or are you asking for my thoughts on whether we should do it?”

If you are interested in learning how to translate what your spouse has been saying we are here to help. Contact us here at Spirit Counseling Centers:

www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2019 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.