Access to Healing: Why can’t we find the solution ourselves?

For most issues, especially when guided by the Spirit of God, couples can and do find solutions themselves. 

However God expects believers to reach out to each other in the church for help (Gal 6:2).  In 1Cor 14:12 Scripture suggests that the gifts given to members of the church, like counseling, are intended to be used to build up other members of the church. 

However, problems still occur because “Blindspots” exist for couples just as they do for individuals. Blindspots are those places we cannot see without help of people external to our situation.

One of the benefits good counselors provide is that external perspective for couples feeling stuck from looking at a problem so long it has become a blind-spot for the  

The Anonymous programs (e.g. Alcoholics Anonymous) make heavy use of the Serenity Prayer (Shapiro, 2014):

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
 

A good counselor can help couples see if they are trying to change things that can’t be changed, or have fallen into a pattern of accepting things that need changing.

This way couples may not have to live with an issue because they believe it to be a character-flaw, when it is in actuality a learned habit (meaning that the behavior can be un-learned).  Conversely a good counselor can help couples distinguish character traits from “behaviors” so that harmony in the home can happen in learning ways to accept the things that cannot be changed.
 

Pathway to Freedom

It is important to find a counselor who will not only help you name the problem and define it, but also identify alternative approaches and behaviors in resolving it. Sometimes men will not move forward, and their wives will believe “they just don’t care,” or “He just doesn’t want to” do what it takes to make the relationship successful.”  This in-action is NOT always indicative of a character issue. Many times when men do not know how to proceed, they will simply stop and refuse to move forward in order to prevent mistakes from making the situation worse; a behavior Julie and John Gottman call “flooding.” (Gottman, 2013).
 

When this happens it is important to remember that this situation is similar to large home appliances. The fact that an air conditioner cools an entire house, but not a specific room, does not mean the problem is a character (design) flaw of the air conditioner. It means something needs to be done. Couples need to resist the urge to “just live with it” rather than call a specialist who can tell them what is happening and how to move forward.  Just living with the problem does not make it go away. It actually helps the problem get worse and deeper.

If you aren’t sure if the problem you are wrestling with is adjustable or demands acceptance; or if you don’t know how to accept the unchangeable, get help! Or, come in and let us help you figure it out.
You can reach us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com
 
References:
Gottman, J. (2013) Presentation notes from "When Clients Shutdown: Process and Treatment." Gottman Summit. Seattle, Washington. July 12-13, 2013.

Shapiro, F.R., (April 28, 2014) Who Wrote the Serenity Prayer?, The Chronicle Review.




Copyright © 2017 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Husbands - 5 sec texts count!

 Spoiler alert: this post deals in generalities. Every individual is different, and I will be one of the first to say that many men exhibit the qualities identified as "generally" feminine, while many women exhibit the qualities identified here as "generally" masculine. The idea is to know our differences, work with them, and celebrate them in relationship. Celebrating differences is the basis for this post.

 

My wife is a Marketing Executive who is fond of saying "There are so many little things that cost nothing, or next to nothing, that mean so much to people. It is crazy that companies don't take advantage of ‘the little things’ for their clients and their employees..."

The same applies to building an environment at home that can become a place of peace, relaxation, and re-charging.  One example of a low-cost 'little-thing' is touching base during the workday.

Ladies, men generally see this action very differently from women. See my recent post on "Where are you?" and "Why should I tell you?" for some explanation as to why that might be.

Men, women generally tend to be more connection focused than men, while men tend to be more achievement focused. So men will generally tend to focus on what works - what is most effective; whereas women will generally tend to focus on how the task is accomplished (how it is experienced relationally) in terms of it's impact on those involved and those affected.

Men will tend to go to work, put their head down, get the job done, and avoid any distractions to that end (keep in mind this is a generality, my wife is very good at putting her head into the work and coming up for air some hours later).

Women, in general, like to know they are not alone as they face their days (keep in mind that men do too, to a lesser degree: I still like hearing from my wife during the day).

For a man, the task of 'checking-in' with someone can bring up teen-aged images of calling mom to let her know we aren't misbehaving.  This image can do horrible damage to a peer-trust relationship like marriage.

The best picture I have found to describe what quick touch-points are about for most women is illustrated by a group of soldiers or first-responders entering an unknown location, one hand on their equipment and the other hand on the shoulder of the team-mate in front of them. Having that touch lets the person in front focus on their job, knowing someone has their back.  Another example is a military team going into dangerous territory radio in at regular intervals to let base know all is well. These quick connections, or "pings," are not constant phone connection, or every 2 minutes, which could compromise the mission; but they are every few (2-4) hours during the course of a day.

Sending a text, or a call, or even a quick email, can be that "touch on the shoulder" that comforts your partner that someone is there and has their back. A text of 'heart symbol' and capital 'U" takes 5 seconds (if you type very slowly) and can give so much encouragement to a person who is in the midst of calming the tantrums of a 3 year old, 3 clients, or 3 board members.

I know everyone’s situation is different. If you want more information on how you might develop your home into a place of peace and recuperation, contact our clinic at 469-660-8620, or on line at 
SpiritCounselingTx.com.

Copyright © 2017 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Can Mental Health disorders interfere with hearing healing Messages from the Bible? ----- Or: Can a "Real Christian" have a Mental Health Disorder?

An interesting question was asked at a meeting I attended recently: “How can mental health disorders prevent a person from hearing a healing message from Biblical Scripture, and how might a message from Scripture result in healing?”

As a person who exhibits symptoms currently associated with the DSM-5 diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), my first thoughts were:
“If I am a new creation in Christ, why am I still challenged by the physiological and mental (cognitive) symptoms characterized as ADHD?” 

I mean, if being a “new creation” does not include freedom from the old body, especially the old drives & motivations, then how can I believe the next words “the old has gone, the new is here?!”

Right about now, there may be some readers who are thinking “Is this guy challenging the sufficiency of Scripture to heal?” 

The answer is “No, I do not challenge the power of God's Word.”  

 I do believe, however, that to get answers to the hard questions, believers in a living God need to be willing to ask Him honestly (James 1:5) and without fear (Hebrews 4:16). 

As a therapist, I have worked in many clinics with more than a few people who described their lives and faith in ways that could easily be characterized as “devout.” Believing them to be faithful, I still watched them experience bouts with Anxiety, Depression, Manic episodes, and Psychosis.

So my question was “why do these symptoms persist in spite of their faith in a loving and healing God?”

Of course one does not have to read very far in the Bible to see people identified in Hebrews chapter 11 as “living by faith” whose behaviors might have easily been described as symptomatic of DSM-V diagnoses had the diagnoses existed at the time: Sampson (Anti-Social), Gideon (Anxiety), Jeremiah (Depression), Ezekiel (Psychosis).

Path to Freedom

The shift in thinking for me began when I remembered Jesus’ prayer in John 17:15 asking that His believers be sanctified -- yet “not taken out of the world -- but protected from the evil one.” 

Paul’s illustration of resurrection and the “new body” as similar to the difference between a wheat seed (our current physical bodies) and the wheat plant, which looks very different on the outside and yet is essentially the same on the inside seems to speak to what this might look like.

I began to see that the "old me" (B.C. Luigi: Before Christ, and before the Holy Spirit’s revelation of what “Grace” meant), living in the shell of my current physical body, would berate myself with harsh words when I made a mistake in an effort to achieve "improved behavior" and "obedience" by punishing myself for mental errors (in my case forgetfulness, or missing important cues). 

This striving for perfectionism in my own strength obviously did not work, in fact it only served to make future errors more likely given the added stress & fear of failure. It also made it hard for me to listen to God when he told me He Loves me - how could he love this mess?

Instead, the A.D. “new me” now has a different spirit and mind, but I still live in the same shell  (the same body and brain, the same flesh). Rather than berate myself, this new "Grace Focused" mind works to accept the physical limitations of my flesh, similar to accepting that my current body’s eyes will always require adjustment (glasses). So my physical imperfections are not “new” or "changed," but the spirit living inside this imperfect shell, and the life I experience as a result, are both brand new – full of light and freedom, in Christ & His Love.

My work with clients focuses on helping them, and their loved ones, interact in ways that accept, and even work with, the presence of their "old-self imperfections" without excusing or feeling shamed by undesired outcomes - and then take the next step toward their goals.

If you have felt God's "I Love You"  message seem to bounce off of your ears and not get into your spirit because "perfection" thoughts will not be quiet, come visit us. Let us help you find your way to His Freedom!
You can reach us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2017 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.