Where are you? and Why should I tell you?

In past posts I have talked about the research regarding differences in the way men and women use, and understand, language. The most frequent example of this difference I see is: “Where are you?”  From the wife the statement is usually phrased as something like:
“He comes home late and doesn’t even tell me why.

From the husband it is often phrased as something similar to:
“She wants me to text her from work, or when I’m on my way home, why does she need to know what I am doing every minute of the day?”

What I find most interesting is the confused look on both of their faces when they understand that what they thought was being communicated, was very different from what was actually being communicated.

In past posts I have proposed that the basic difference in male and female communication can be found in Genesis. Cleary noted in the way that men and women are cursed differently as a result of the Fall from Grace in the Garden of Eden.  God gave man and women two basic jobs at Creation:

• ·     To manage and tend God’s creation so that it flourishes- an achievement focused goal, and
• ·     To have children and families- a communal or relationally focused goal. 

Interestingly, in Genesis 3:16-19, God curses man in his ability to achieve lasting peace or security in the results of his efforts, and curses woman in her ability to achieve lasting peace and security in relationships and family. Just as both Adam and Eve were required to work together to fulfill both of God’s directives so can men and women in relationships today. However, it is important to consider that men generally tend to be more task achievement focused. It then makes sense that research would suggest men are more hierarchical in their thinking, as this type of thinking facilitates goal achievement. Women generally tend to be more relationally and pattern focused, so it is no surprise that research suggests female communication tends to focus on how objects or people are connected.

So What?

The following translation is stated in the extreme to make the difference easier to explain. Even so, if a man is thinking hierarchically, he will translate the words “I want you to text me during the day, or when you are on your way home” as “You need to report your activities to me (as your superior) before you act on them” The male assumed meaning of this statement would likely be task oriented: “So that I can approve or deny your choices.”

To which the wife will say “That is NOT what I was saying.”

When asked, many wives, thinking relationally (connection focused), describe their meaning as something similar to “I feel more connected (like I am with him even when we are apart) when I know where he is and what he is doing.”

In this case the problem is not a lack of caring, or one spouse trying to control the other; the problem is one of translation. Men generally confirm these connections behaviorally – holding hands, stealing glances, women generally confirm these connections verbally – in a text, or a call, or a note left somewhere she would find it.

Here’s an example of what I mean by “translation:”

Husbands, remember when you and your wife were still dating? The first time you reached out to hold her hand? You probably thought if she held your hand in return it meant she was ready to move forward with the relationship/connection, and if she pulled away she was not (a behavioral “question” and an expectation of a behavioral [male] response).  Later, you might just reach out and hold her hand to confirm the connection. To translate the message back into female, because women tend to communicate less behaviorally and more verbally, she might be waiting to “hear the words”: “I love you,” “I was thinking about you,” or “that was fun!”

Path to Freedom

The key is to relate to one’s spouse as the opposite sex. If a woman were married to a woman, and she did not text or call during the day, it probably would mean something was wrong. If a man was married to a man, and he wanted to know where he was at every moment, he may be controlling. However, when married to the opposite sex, translation is necessary. As a wife you might tell him, “I don’t want to be your boss (or control you) and texting me during the day is a thing you can do that leaves me feeling hugged all day.”  As a husband you might tell her “I want you to feel safe in my love for you, and:

·      Sometimes I am so excited to get home to you I forget to call!” or

·      “There are times I can’t call because of the requirements of my job” or I don’t want to interrupt you

·      So I will (Notice that these options translate male behavior into female words):

o   Text you ‘T.O.Y’ when time is tight so you know I’m ‘thinking of you’ ” Or

o   Text you several times during the day when I can so you know when I don’t it’s because I couldn’t.

 (Thinking in his head: “I am not texting because I am being controlled but because I want her to feel hugged as often as possible”)

God has created us wonderfully different for a reason. While for the differences can result in conflict, they can also make for a life that is never boring! 

Come in and let us show you how to embark on that great adventure!
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