Power versus Control. There is a difference?

Power-Control

These terms can be used interchangeably and yet mean very different things. But what if terms were simple? What if control was simply the ability to directly manipulate an object, through direct force or some other remote-control connection: electrical, pneumatic, hydraulic, etc.  What if power was simply the ability to achieve a desired result? So the question becomes whether the difference in definition can make a difference in relationship.  I believe the answer is "Yes."

When working with couples, I will discuss "the difference between a request and a demand" as the perceived ability or permission to say "no." This discussion is important because it can be difficult to tell the difference, at work or at home, based solely on tone or volume. For example, many demands to perform a task are made at home and at work in a "nice" way so as to sound like a request.  But the true nature of the "demand" is uncovered when the other person declines and the requestor is unwilling to accept an answer of "no." The requestor may even continue to push for "yes" in a "nice" way. Other times, a person can make a request, but because of their forceful personality it may come across as a demand and only after several counseling sessions does the other spouse learn they could have been saying "no" the entire time.

So, I encourage couples not to use the tone of voice as an indicator, but instead watch to see what happens next when they say or hear "no."  When a person hears the word "no" in response to their request, they maintain ownership of their own destiny by considering other options for getting their own needs met.  When a I hear "no" to a request and get furious because "if I can't get my needs met from you, I will suffer," then it is that other person that owns my destiny. In essence, when I make a demand, I relinquish power of what I do next, to that other person.

Please do not read that demands are "bad" and requests are "good." Sometimes it is appropriate to relinquish power. Sometimes it is appropriate to relinquish power; especially if my actions have irreversible or life/death consequences for another person. It can be appropriate for me to offer them some influence over what I might do next. There may also be circumstances when a person does not own or influence the events in their immediate future: prison inmates, adolescents living at home, etc.  Interestingly, even in some of these seemingly powerless situations, some individuals have found a way to remain powerful - think Nelson Mandela.

This issue becomes destructive in relationships when spouses live in a "prison" of their own making because they choose to follow the demands of their spouse without taking their own self-care into consideration. Husbands will relinquish their power just as often as wives. A statement often heard is "I have no power, it's their way or the highway;" not realizing that by making that statement they define their situation in a way that relinquishes the power that they did have, to the other person.

Spiritual Freedom

Power does not reside in the person of whom you make a request. Power resides in the person you expect will be the one to figure out how to meet your needs.

Who a person expects to meet their needs is especially evident when a person hears the word "no."

If the ultimate source for where my needs are met is my god, it can be frightening to consider who and what I am willing to make god over in my life. These god-options generally include: others (which includes one's spouse, the universe, environment, or government, etc.), myself, and God.

When I expect others to meet my needs and others say "no," I will get angry and rail at the injustice.

When I expect myself to meet my needs when others say "no," I look to my own resources: what or whom I have left.

When I expect God to meet my needs and others say "no," I look with anticipation for where God's provision will come next: like unknown others, unexpected resources, or unrealized skills/gifting.

If you are feeling powerless in the situations you find yourself in, and want to find a way to freedom and personal power in relationship, let us help!
You can reach us at:
SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2016 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

What Makes a Good Man? – Responsibility

What if the definition for a value-word like Responsibility was simple?

What if Responsibility generally meant “One with the ability to respond” or “the one with the ability to provide a reason for why a behavior was initiated”.

Too many times this word is used in conjunction with the assignment of fault. “Fault” is another good word to define – it is generally defined as a point of weakness – as in a geological fault where earthquakes can occur.

Unfortunately, because these terms have a relationship, they are used to mean the same thing, even though they are very different: as in “the person who is responsible is the person who is at fault.”

The biggest difference between responsibility and fault as defined above is a relationship of power. The person at fault is the one whose weakness results in undesired outcomes. The person who is responsible for a word or an action is usually the owner of the body doing the speaking and acting – usually in relationship to other humans that are also speaking and acting. When these words are defined this way “fault-finding” results in the surrender of personal power (power over what happened and what happens next) to some other person or force (i.e. the environment, the government, the company). In fault-finding and blame, the individual surrenders the power they have over their life to someone or something else.  In this version of responsibility, each person takes ownership of the words or behaviors they initiated, sometimes regardless of the words and actions of others – thus maintaining their own power over their own lives.

Another term that comes up, when discussing responsibility is “consequence”. While I am not trying to separate “responsibility” from “consequence;” there are in fact consequences for every choice – either positive or negative. Responsibility does not have to be only about negative consequence, looking for “the person to blame;” instead it can be more about choosing one’s consequences, good or bad, as “this is my life and I have power to make it what I choose it to be.” 

Path to Freedom 

In God’s economy we get in trouble when we agree to what we can’t do, do not want to do, or what we intend to do. See Matthew Chapter 5, verses 33-37. From God’s perspective, we are accountable for what we chose to say and do, not what we are expected to do by others, or what another has done. See Acts chapter 5, verses 1-11.

 If “responsibility” were simply the ability to respond, person A would simply state what they did, what happened, and maybe include what they were attempting to achieve in order to be “responsible.” Each person would then state what they did and what happened, retaining full power over what they do next.  This may seem obvious or simplistic.  If it sounds obvious, I propose that many people do not live “responsibly” in that the reasons given for their circumstances are the result of the actions of others or forces beyond their control. If it sounds simplistic, I propose that by adding too many definitions to the word (by making it too complex), the word is loses any meaning.

If you are curious about the idea of how to simplify the expectations on your life – both the ones others put on you and/or the ones you might put on yourself – contact us. We want to help!
Contact us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2016 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

What Makes a Good Man? - Return to Integrity

What if definitions for value-words, like Integrity, were simple? Not easy, just easy to understand. What if Integrity generally meant “an alignment of word and action?”  However, while many of us are taught the importance of keeping one’s word (doing what I said I would do) and honest disclosure (saying/admitting what I have done), what if there is a third, even more important, skill to living out Integrity?  A skill that addresses the question “What do I do when I fail?” called "How-to Return to Integrity."

In the Navy, the term for ships that maintain their purpose of keeping passengers dry is called “watertight integrity.”  When no leaks exist, the promise is kept; any undesired leak, unchecked, could threaten the ship and represents a loss of watertight integrity.  If humans refused to take repair or emergency equipment onto ships and only traveled on vessels guaranteed to never leak (think Titanic) there would be no ocean travel.

Sadly many men live under social rules that don’t align with the reality of being human, like:  “just don’t fail,” “failure is not an option,” or “there is no failure when everyone wins.”  The result of these expectations for men can lead them to believe any mistake is placed into some permanent record as a failure.  From this perspective, even if the final outcome is successful, errors are corrected, and the mistake is fixed, the result is still counted as a failure.  Is it any wonder why some men work so hard to hide or downplay failures?

Path to Freedom

With God there is another option to the Pass/Fail measure for success: Integrity.

In the real world, humans are not perfect.  Rather than expecting people to be something ‘other’ than what they are, under the concept of Integrity the focus would be on creating a plan to repair, and mitigate damage from, failures that will happen.  

This concept is NOT about enabling failure, it is about not allowing failure to define the outcome.  It is still important to only commit to obligations one plans to fulfill, and honestly admit to things done in the past. This “Return to Integrity” skill takes into account the humanity of humans, and then provides a path to return to the freedom of a firm value-based foundation.

Imagine a man told to row a boat to the other side of the lake without experiencing any leaks.  The Pass/Fail measure suggests that once a leak occurs the entire mission has failed, even if the man fixes the leak and makes it to the other side of the lake. Most would say that not fixing the leak and completing the trip would be irresponsible.  The integrity measure would not count how many times he has failed, but that he achieved his committed goal (think Abraham Lincoln).

This concept is NOT about “ends justifying means,” perfection, or enabling “leaky” behaviors.  It IS about taking action to seal life-leaks, and re-seal them until Integrity is regained.  Failure is an option, being human can still bring powerful results! This Key Skill is How-To REGAIN Integrity.

A life focused on Integrity rises above mistakes, and makes every failure an opportunity for new success, even learning more than had one succeeded the first time.  If a more human existence that doesn't excuse failure, but doesn't demand perfection either, sounds interesting to you...

Let us help you find your path to a Return to Integrity.
You can reach us at:
SpiritCounselingTx.com

Copyright © 2016 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

What Makes a Good Man?

I recently watched a movie with Robert De Niro and about a 70 year old man who accepts an intern job at an e-commerce company start up. At one point in the movie the owner of the company played by Anne Hathaway asked what I thought was a powerful and important question: ‘When did men stop being men?’  To answer this question, many have pointed to changes in the social definition of a "good man" that occurred during the feminist movement in the 1970's and 80's which focused on "power dynamics" in relationships between couples and throughout society.

While adjustments to post-war male-female interaction dynamics were needed, there were virtues lost in the change. The old system attempted to force women into roles that were strict even by Biblical standards (see Proverbs 31) after they had experienced expanded roles during WWII. Terms like "sexist" and "male chauvinist pig" were used to discourage those that would discount women simply because they were women. 

Unfortunately these terms began to be used to de-value general masculine traits in men. Acts of respect and deference like opening doors for women were viewed as degrading.  Replacement behaviors for "how to" respect women were not available except for a ‘general stipulation’ to treat women as "equals." 

In recent posts I have outlined ways in which men and women will use the same language to communicate very different concepts. The statement "treat women as equals" is one example: to a woman the statement will likely mean "treat a women as a women with equal opportunities and equal pay;” whereas to a man this statements likely means "treat women like men."  While there are similarities in the results of these two efforts, they are quite different, with different results.

Consider the old system’s extreme dynamics of the man telling the woman "I will tell you what to do so we can be happy" as compared with the new system dynamics of the man telling the woman "Just tell me what you want me to do so we can be happy." The first relational dynamic is similar to a Father/Daughter interaction while the second dynamic is similar to a Mother/Son interaction. Both social narratives have similar goals and outcomes: to please and not upset the other spouse, resulting in one or both feeling controlled and unsatisfied. So, what’s the alternative?

Path to Freedom

One alternative is to have both follow a third member in the relationship – God. When both spouses are attuned to what God wants them to do in order for them to be happy, the dynamic between husband and wife is one of equals in service to a Superior. The answer to the question “which one of us is in charge” becomes “God.”

Oddly I have had many clients tell me “what makes a good man is one who follows God.” Meaning a man who will be willing to make his wife mad in order to make God (not himself) happy, rather than risk making God mad in order to make his wife happy.

The qualifier to both Husbands and Wives in this dynamic is to beware of asking for selfish gain while using “God said” in order to get it – God has a history of not liking when people use His name in vain. Husbands, if you doubt this – ask your wife!

If you don’t know how, let us help!
You can reach us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com


Copyright © 2016 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Which is more important - What I do? or Who I am?

In an election year there are often debates on which is more important: character or ability. In other words do the ends justify the means; is it more important for the candidate prove their ability to produce results, or to prove the way they achieve results are ethical and moral?

While it is likely this controversy will go on for many elections to come, what is certain is that in a life-long relationship, Character (values that guide how one’s life-partner goes about accomplishing a goal) matters a great deal.  Many times in counseling sessions, a therapist will hear: “it’s not what they said… it was how they said it that tells me what they really meant.”

Unfortunately, what is being depicted in media, at work, and reflected in many relationships, is that Americans may be losing the art of connecting at a Character level, or what I will call a “Person-Focused” level. Today’s society appears to encourage performance based relationships. Many television shows and other electronic media portray couples living together because of resources (like wealth), or skills (good in bed), or body features (broad shoulders or nice legs).  At best, the environment in a home built on these types of connections is characterized by boredom, silence, deadness, and pleasure-seeking. Worst case, these connections can breed fault finding and blame avoidance, and anxiety or depression due to inability to meet perfectionistic goals and expectations

Why is this a problem? Because “performance” based connections are exhausting, they don’t last as long, and ultimately don’t satisfy either of the participants.  Whereas “person-focused” connections are life-long, constantly growing, and result in satisfaction in the smallest events.

Like many relationship topics, this one is easiest to see in the context of conflict. Many times conflict goes wrong when we demand that our spouse appreciate what we do – when what we really want is to be appreciated and valued and accepted for being who we are. 

For example: a husband or wife expresses dis-satisfaction with ‘the marriage.’ The most common reactions from the spouse receiving the complaint is to either list all of the times and ways they did the very thing being complained about, or list reasons why the complaint is unreasonable and should be disregarded altogether.  In a Person-Focused relationship the receiving spouse begins by retelling “the story of their commitment to each other,” meaning they begin with the end goal that both have committed to build and work toward. They remind each other who their spouse is to them, who they have committed to be in their spouse’s lives, and what the relationship can be when they work together. If this description sounds more like fantasy than reality, I invite you to come in and let us show you how it is possible.

Pathway to Freedom:

Connection based on performance, skills or fulfilling the other person’s expectations, is a business contract at best.  God designed relationships to be something different: connections between people (Characters, Beings), not simply skills or roles that are advantageous to both participants. In Person-Focused relationships, spouses do more than praise, appreciate, and acknowledge the achievements of the other; they love and accept their spouse as they are, for Who they are – the good, the bad, and the ugly. The contribution they have is not in what they do, or don’t do, but what each moment is like when both are present, experiencing them together.

Person-focused couples commit to each other because they are committed to valuing the other person, and committed to not allow either to be devalued (Ripley & Worthington, 2014), even when the spouse is “acting like a jerk.” This does not mean accepting disrespectful or physically harmful acts. It does mean standing up for one’s self in a way that respects self, other, and God. These relationships are characterized by devotion, joy, and pleasure even in the smallest things.

If you want more information on how to have a Love relationship, rather than a contract agreement, let us help you find the path toward that new adventure.
You can reach us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

References:

Ripley, J. S., & Worthington, E. (2014). Couple Therapy: A new hope-focused approach. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press. ISBN: 9780830828579

Copyright © 2016 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Where are you? and Why should I tell you?

In past posts I have talked about the research regarding differences in the way men and women use, and understand, language. The most frequent example of this difference I see is: “Where are you?”  From the wife the statement is usually phrased as something like:
“He comes home late and doesn’t even tell me why.

From the husband it is often phrased as something similar to:
“She wants me to text her from work, or when I’m on my way home, why does she need to know what I am doing every minute of the day?”

What I find most interesting is the confused look on both of their faces when they understand that what they thought was being communicated, was very different from what was actually being communicated.

In past posts I have proposed that the basic difference in male and female communication can be found in Genesis. Cleary noted in the way that men and women are cursed differently as a result of the Fall from Grace in the Garden of Eden.  God gave man and women two basic jobs at Creation:

• ·     To manage and tend God’s creation so that it flourishes- an achievement focused goal, and
• ·     To have children and families- a communal or relationally focused goal. 

Interestingly, in Genesis 3:16-19, God curses man in his ability to achieve lasting peace or security in the results of his efforts, and curses woman in her ability to achieve lasting peace and security in relationships and family. Just as both Adam and Eve were required to work together to fulfill both of God’s directives so can men and women in relationships today. However, it is important to consider that men generally tend to be more task achievement focused. It then makes sense that research would suggest men are more hierarchical in their thinking, as this type of thinking facilitates goal achievement. Women generally tend to be more relationally and pattern focused, so it is no surprise that research suggests female communication tends to focus on how objects or people are connected.

So What?

The following translation is stated in the extreme to make the difference easier to explain. Even so, if a man is thinking hierarchically, he will translate the words “I want you to text me during the day, or when you are on your way home” as “You need to report your activities to me (as your superior) before you act on them” The male assumed meaning of this statement would likely be task oriented: “So that I can approve or deny your choices.”

To which the wife will say “That is NOT what I was saying.”

When asked, many wives, thinking relationally (connection focused), describe their meaning as something similar to “I feel more connected (like I am with him even when we are apart) when I know where he is and what he is doing.”

In this case the problem is not a lack of caring, or one spouse trying to control the other; the problem is one of translation. Men generally confirm these connections behaviorally – holding hands, stealing glances, women generally confirm these connections verbally – in a text, or a call, or a note left somewhere she would find it.

Here’s an example of what I mean by “translation:”

Husbands, remember when you and your wife were still dating? The first time you reached out to hold her hand? You probably thought if she held your hand in return it meant she was ready to move forward with the relationship/connection, and if she pulled away she was not (a behavioral “question” and an expectation of a behavioral [male] response).  Later, you might just reach out and hold her hand to confirm the connection. To translate the message back into female, because women tend to communicate less behaviorally and more verbally, she might be waiting to “hear the words”: “I love you,” “I was thinking about you,” or “that was fun!”

Path to Freedom

The key is to relate to one’s spouse as the opposite sex. If a woman were married to a woman, and she did not text or call during the day, it probably would mean something was wrong. If a man was married to a man, and he wanted to know where he was at every moment, he may be controlling. However, when married to the opposite sex, translation is necessary. As a wife you might tell him, “I don’t want to be your boss (or control you) and texting me during the day is a thing you can do that leaves me feeling hugged all day.”  As a husband you might tell her “I want you to feel safe in my love for you, and:

·      Sometimes I am so excited to get home to you I forget to call!” or

·      “There are times I can’t call because of the requirements of my job” or I don’t want to interrupt you

·      So I will (Notice that these options translate male behavior into female words):

o   Text you ‘T.O.Y’ when time is tight so you know I’m ‘thinking of you’ ” Or

o   Text you several times during the day when I can so you know when I don’t it’s because I couldn’t.

 (Thinking in his head: “I am not texting because I am being controlled but because I want her to feel hugged as often as possible”)

God has created us wonderfully different for a reason. While for the differences can result in conflict, they can also make for a life that is never boring! 

Come in and let us show you how to embark on that great adventure!
You can reach us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com



Copyright © 2016 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.

Where have all the "Men" gone?

I recently watched a movie with Robert D'Niro and about a 70 year old man who accepts an intern job at an e-commerce company start up. At one point in the movie the owner of the company played by Anne Hathaway asked what I thought was a powerful and important question: "what happened to men being men?"

The answer to the question might be found in the transition of the social definition of a "good man" that occurred during the feminist movement in the 1970's and the 1980's which focused on "power dynamics" in couple relationships and throughout society.

While adjustments to post-war male-female dynamics were absolutely necessary, important virtues were lost in the process. The old system attempted to force women into limited roles that were demeaning even by Proverbs 31 standards. Unfortunately terms, like "sexist" and "male chauvinist pig," that were successful in motivating important changes, began to be used to describe everyday acts of respect and deference.  Unfortunately, the alternative that was recommended was simply “let her open the door for herself.” In essence men were discouraged from concrete respectful behaviors toward women, and given no alternate behaviors to take their place.  Allowing a woman to open a door for herself does not represent a behavior, but the absence of behavior, or passivity. 

Path to Freedom

Men are, by nature, generally task focused and as such desire a specific action to perform in order to achieve a specific end. Men will generally either recommend an action (fix the problem), or ask the wife to identify “the” action that will resolve the present situation.  Part of a solution is to help the wife gain skills in making specific requests of her husband. Another part of a solution is to help the husband respond to the “pattern” in his wife’s complaints, rather than try to fix each one.

However to get to the root of the problem we need to look at the change from old system to new.  Consider in the old system’s extreme dynamics of the man telling the woman "I will tell you what to do so we can be happy," and how it has shifted in the new social system to the man telling the woman "Just tell me what you want me to do so we can be happy." The first dynamic is reminiscent of a father/daughter interaction while the second dynamic is reminiscent of a son/mother interaction. Both social narratives have similar goals and outcomes with the goal being to please and not upset the other spouse. Unfortunately the result is one of two spouses gathering resentment that shows up as compliance or rebellion. So, how does one navigate this dynamic that began changing 50 years ago?

In a Scriptural marriage there is one additional spouse to consider - God.  When both spouses are attuned to what God wants them to do in order for them to be happy, the dynamic between husband and wife is one of equals in service to a Superior.  The sign of health is when the goal of wife or husband is to please God even if it upsets their spouse; and to accept God’s correction, even when God uses the other spouse to give it.

This God focus is not easy to achieve, especially after years of trying to please each other without success – but it can be done. Let us show you how.
You can reach us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com
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Copyright © 2016 Spirit Christian Counseling Centers, Inc. All rights reserved.
Aside from small quotations, the material on this site may not be republished elsewhere without expressed permission.